Forums › Forums › 8-Page Challenge #2 › 8-Page Challenge #2 > Step 5 > Scripting & Revisions › Time Out Script
Time Out ScriptDave updated 1 week, 2 days ago 4 Members · 6 Posts
MemberMarch 27, 2021 at 5:42 am
Hey All, check out the script for Time Out! Hope you enjoy, and please roast me with feedback!
ModeratorMarch 29, 2021 at 6:38 am
Hey man this is really coming together! I like how you show how and why she feels the need to use the Time Inn, and that her age is developed over time, I’m interested to see if the woman at the desk changes too? or if she is concerned?
I love the open ending. This is gonna be great!
Thanks for posting,
D Alley, the Redheadeded
ModeratorApril 1, 2021 at 9:16 am
I really enjoy this concept that someone is moving at a different pace in time, but I always wondered why people didn’t have an intervention and it bugs me. For me, its logic; where’s the wife? And how come she doesn’t step up and say “what the heck is going on??” Also, what’s the state of the son at the end? All the script says is that he just says “thanks for making the time”, but is he legit thanking her for showing up? Or is he disappointed?
I think if the son does more of a shaming of the mom, it will definitely be a more deserved ending. She’s been abusing something to allow her to live “extra” life but she needs to realize that despite her experiences, she spent it away from her family and it should crush her.
I think you guys have a killer opportunity to really make a statement on addiction and how it can negatively impact a life, but I’m not sure if that’s what you were going for.
On a side note, reading this reminded me of a great sci fi book I read when I was a kid, I think it was called Singularity by William Sleator. I’m a little fuzzy on the exact details, so don’t quote me on any of this, but it’s about twins who inherit their uncle’s estate and they find a shed in the back that whenever they go into it, time passes faster inside than it does outside and they use it to their advantage.
MemberApril 1, 2021 at 11:02 pm
Thanks Kris, we definitely are going for the message that Morgan is abusing the Time Out tech/ this tech is bad. So if that came across, yay!
Re: an intervention, that’s a really good idea that I don’t know that we can fit within 8 pages! It’s exactly the sort of scene I’d love to write in prose, but alas, comics!
Kyle’s art will do the heavy lifting, but I imagine the son being sincere at the end, which, hopefully, should be even more crushing to Morgan/the reader because of how much it does mean to him. And does it crush Morgan/force her to break her addiction? Maybe I cop’d out with the open ending, but it’s up to you!
It’s very possible the hyperbolic time chamber from dragon ball z is the true narrative inspiration here
ModeratorApril 8, 2021 at 11:39 pm
@Dave First off, thank you for being such an active member of the community and for giving feedback on everyone’s work.
I think this is a cool story. I like the way you loop elements back more than once. It’s a good use of the visual medium.
I don’t know what your relationship with Kyle is, but I would be careful about being to specific about the layouts of the panels on each individual page. In my experience, many artists find that a bit restricting. You may want to be be more open-ended, with the exception of when you have something specific that is important to the story (Maybe the page with the “Z” in this comic).
One minor note, You have the wrong its/it’s one time. The last panel of page 2, caption 2, should read “And once you are inside, it’s completely modular.” It is modular, it is not a possessive. We would catch that in proofing, of course, but it’s better to fix mistakes early, as we catch them.
Those are relatively minor things. Overall, I like how you make use of the visual medium, which is important in a comic. The sparseness of the dialogue, the repeated panels, and the visual of the protagonist aging are all good examples of that.
MemberApril 9, 2021 at 3:17 am
Thanks Ari! I made the grammar fix on my end.
I hear you re: overdoing it. Kyle and I have been co-workers/friends for 4 years now, and I definitely trust his judgement over mine when it comes to the visuals.
Log in to reply.