Forums › Forums › 8-Page Challenge #2 › 8-Page Challenge #2 > Step 5 > Scripting & Revisions › Time In By The Stars – Script and Revisions
ModeratorMarch 27, 2021 at 11:12 pm
Hey Guys Here is it, let me know what you think…ok I still don’t know what’s up with the formatting and why it does these weird quotes dialog boxes sometimes and not others but it should be plain text. So please ignore the forum’s attempt to auto format for me.. cause it’s not very good at it.
Cover “Time in… by the Stars” Art and Story by D Alley.
Illustration: A heavily loaded blue station wagon travels on a dark rural highway lined with trees passing a sign that says “Time Inn – Among the Stars”.
Panel 1:From the side of the car we see the family of four in a beat of station wagon.
“Maybe we should stop the boys are getting tired and it’s really dark out here in the countryside.” the mother says to her husband.
“We can make it a few miles more, we are almost there?” the father replies.
Panel 2: “You said if I asked to stop, you wouldn’t argue, remember?” she chides back
Panel 3: “Ok, Ok..” the father relents “We’ll stop at whatever place is next, but remember it’s mostly camping out here” he finishes.
Panel 4: Just then a road sign shows the lodgings at the next exit. A dusty, rusted sign says “The Time-Inn among the stars” is the only place listed.
“Well, you said you wanted to stop so here we go” the father says in a huff as he pulls into the exit lane.
Page 2: Long shots where the family is small in comparison to the Time Inn which should dominate the visuals with grandiose splendor.
Panel 1: The family car, which has seen better days, slowly pulls up the long drive, turning the last corner the Grand front facade of a multilevel luxury Inn awes the annoyed couple to silence.
Panel 2: “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea” the mother says pulling her younger son from his car seat.”
“Nonsense,” the father says in a much more cheerful mood, “We are out here to have an adventure, and this looks like a hidden gem, I bet no one we know has ever even heard of it! The Time Inn!” he grabs some smaller suitcases from the rear of the vehicle.
Panel 3: “Are you sure we can afford it?” says the elder son looking at the large ornate double doors that filled the archway before him.
“Hmphft”. The father replied before pushing them into the interior.
Page 3: Most if not all scenes on this page should be viewed by reader THROUGH the stars in the chandelier. The point is to make sure the family looks lost among the stars.
Panel 1: Upon entering the main lobby they are greeted by a huge elegant well lit chandelier of what seems like hundreds and thousands of little gleaming lights.
– *Side panel as needed to show the moment of staff: A tall thin man comes forward behind the sign-in desk, and watches the family amble slowly closer, ogling the opulent environment in which they now find themselves.
Panel 2: “Good Evening,” His deep melodic voice resonates in the open enclave. “Will you be checking in?” He smiles politely.
“Oh uh, -- yeah.. Yeah.” the father says pulling his family with the luggage to the counter. “Just one night”.
Panel 3: “For all four of you?” the man inquires.
“Of course!” the family man says pulling his family in close. The mother and smaller child are still marleving at the grandeur of the room, as the older son buries his head back into his comic book.
Panel 4: “Then pick a star!” the man at the desk says suddenly, his eyes become alight and his expression changes for the first time to one of wonder and excitement.
“I like that one!” the younger son suddenly says, pointing to the middle of the lobby, “It’s the prettiest,” he hugs close to his mother’s shoulder.
“Ah, Arcturus, that is an excellent choice.” the man behind the counter says, writing down in his ledger.
“Me too,” his mother responds; kissing her son’s forehead gently. She nudges her older boy, who sighs loudly as he looks up from his reading.
Panel 5: “Which one is the closest?” he snaps annoyed.
“Why, that would be Proxima Centauri, is that your choice?” the man says slowly pointing to a bright but small star nearest to the front desk. The young boy is wary of the man’s eyes which seem to have an alien inner glow, but nods affirmatively, before hiding again in his superhero story. “Well I want the farthest one away then, which one is that?” the father says aloud, smiling in response to his elder child’s glare of annoyance.
Panel 6 (Long shot visual): “Ah that would be…” the man points to the far end of the lobby through the archways and well up the sweeping twin staircases, a pinpoint of light shines in the far reaches of the stained glass roof, “Icarus”.
Panel 7: “Then that’s the one I want.. Icarus” the father states with finality.
– *Side bar, close up of the eyes: “Are you sure sir?” the man’s eyes are still luminescent, but his tone is cold and firm, “No one has ever picked that star before.”
Panel 8: “Yup, that’s the one I want, so what does that get us?” the father asks, laying down his wallet on the counter.
Panel 9: “A room for four, overlooking the gardens,” the man at the counter says, quickly returning his eyes and expression to one of a posed and polite night manager. “The bellhop will bring your bags”.
Panel 1: Suddenly a bellhop appears beside the grand staircase. He takes the suitcase for the missus, and attempts to lead the way up the stairs and deep into the massive manor house.
Panel 2 (This should be the largest main panel on this page): They pass the dining hall, and ball rooms, a conservatory and a bar, a lounge with a cocktail singer, and the indoor and outdoor pools, with views out the windows of a large well cared for grounds with fountains and scenes out of a greek pavilion.
Panel 3: The bellhop suddenly turns left and leads the family to a large room with three 4 post beds and a large wardrobe, and disappears quickly from view.
Panel 4: a view of the well adorned room.
Panel 5 (smaller close up for Dialog): “Well let’s go grab some grub then hum?” the father says taking his son from his wife he immediately heads back out the door toward the stairs.
Panel 1: Entering the dining area, they find an empty table and are surprised to find a large number of diners are in extreme costumes from every time-period imaginable.
“Must be one of those costume conventions?” he mutters to his wife, as she tries to stop the younger son from staring. “Where is David?” the mother asks her father suddenly.
Panel 2: “He was behind us just a second ago?” he snaps back annoyed.
Panel 3: “He probably just wandered off, it’s a big place, he’ll be fine. He could use a bit of an adventure, it would help him to look up once in a while.” the father scoffed. “He’s old enough he’ll be fine”.
“But what about all these strange people?” The mother whispered defensively.
Panel 4: “We’ll find him after we eat.” the father declared. The mother looked nervous but relented and they ordered some food from the waiting server.
Panel 5: They Order / they eat.. Lots of people from other times are eating nearby.
Panel 1: “I’m going back to the room in case he went back there.” the mother says leading her younger boy by the hand.
“Fine, I’ll look around and see if he fell asleep somewhere.” the father replied.
Panel 2 (Mother’s big close-up moment, show her face, she is putting her foot down with her husband for the first time in the book): “This is NO time for your sight-seeing” she says in a huff, “Our son is missing in a huge estate, we’ve never been to before, in the middle of no-where, don’t get distracted. Find Him, — please.”
Panel 3: The father rolls his eyes, and goes to explore the mysteriously large lodgings.
Panel 4: (multiple panels or splits, whatever the best visual options): The father then explores the estate, we see him bathing in the pool and sitting in the spa, drinking in the lounges with others, and buying a beer at the bar, wandering the gardens as night sets in.
Panel 5: Finally he falls into bed. Alone.
Panel 1: The father wakes up in the mid morning light from the window. He looks over to see his wife is not in the bed next to him, and the other two beds are empty.
Panel 2: “I must have come into the wrong room last night” He thinks to himself. But he sees his suitcase in the wardrobe. “But my luggage is here… where is theirs?”
Panel 3: The father looks for his family, and they are not in the room, and their luggage is also gone.
Panel 4: (Similar to page 6 multiple panels or splits, whatever the best visual options): We see him run back through the hotel’s many rooms and amenities, and each room is more empty than the last. Frantically he heads to the front desk.
Panel 5:“My family is missing!” the man says as the manager comes to face him.
“They checked out right on time?” the man responds without urgency.
“They WHAT?” the man shreeks.
“They checked out after one night from Proxima Centauri first, and then Arcturus.
Panel 6: Just then a elderly man with a cane walks in through the large dusty doors at the main entrance. The manager continues to look at his ledger but addresses the elder gentleman sternly.
“We are not accepting any new customers at this time, as we will be closed very soon.”
“I know,” the man says, ”I’m just here to find my family.” he slowly edges his way to the counter.
Panel 7: “My family is missing too!” the father shouts quickly. The older man laughs bitterly. “What’s so funny?” the father asks, getting anxious.
Panel 8: “No Dad, you misunderstand, YOU are my family.” The father stops, his anger quickly swallowing the words he wants to use in an instant of misunderstanding.
Panel 9: “I have never seen you before in my life? Are you related to my…, Helen is MISSING!” the man shouted.
“You just had to pick the farthest star, didn’t you Dad.” the elderman said with kindness. “Icarus was the only star you could have chosen, because it was an adventure, but it also meant you stayed in this inn, until you orbited that star, one night, one orbit, isn’t that right Thales.
Panel 1: The man behind the counter nodded with a rye grin, “Of course David, you once again have the right of it.” to the elderly man in front of the counter. The bellhop set down the father’s suitcase and then the bellhop turned to dust. The father was startled, and looked to the man behind the counter.
Panel 2: “You are our last customer Mr. Kelly, after this we close our doors forever, as there are no more stars left to reach”. The man smiled again this time sadly, as he two started to disintegrate.
Panel 3: “I don’t understand what’s going on?!?” Mr Kelly shouts, turning to the elderly man, who has already started to walk back out the front door.
Panel 4 (This should be the big panel, the end of the universe on this page): “We’ve reached the last star in the universe.” He said standing in the open doorway. “Or the first one born when the universe was made,”
Panel 5: David says slowly turning his head. Mr Kelly joins him on the edge of the parapet, to see all the stars in all the universe laid out before him. “And now we are at the end.” David concluded.
“The End of what?”Mr Kelly asks nervously.
Panel 6: “The end of the universe, Dad.” David says holding fast to his father’s hand. “The last adventure.” he says smiling at his father with his dying breath. The stars begin to shift like many rubber bands and fold in on each other.
Panel 7: The father lays his son’s body down on the step that is all that is left of the Time Inn, and the universe ends.
Panel 8: (a completely black panel) Fin.
I am looking forward to feedback and comments.
D Alley, the Redheadeded
- This discussion was modified 7 months ago by redheadeded.
MemberMarch 30, 2021 at 7:06 am20 Forum Points
Thanks for sharing D, a lot of cool stuff in this. I’m excited to see it visually, I especially like the idea of seeing the family through the stars in the ceiling, and the horror vibe/general creepyiness is very good
Regarding the ending, I’m a little confused on the ending. I’m not sure I understand how the Time Inn works? So Dad picks the furthest star, which means that takes the longest time, so he skips the most time, but I’m confused what the son means by orbiting it. Maybe I’m just missing something, but I’m not getting it as is.
I like the thematic meaning, however. That the dad’s quest for excitement and adventure leads to him losing his family and his life in their pursuit. Great!
Last point, on dialogue. For most of your lines, you can trim down the sentences by a few words, so you’ve got more room for the art, and so it all reads a little snappier. If you want to send over a word version, I can mark it up in more detail, but as an example from page 1, panel 4:
“Well, you said you wanted to stop so here we go” can just be “You wanted to stop, so here we go.”
Page 3 panel 5: “Well I want the farthest one away then, which one is that?” Can be “Give me the farthest one away!”
Page 4 Panel 5: “Well let’s go grab some grub then hum?” can be “Let’s grab some grub then”
Although your dialogue in this does actually resemble human speech more accurately, cutting out filler words will sharpen this up and make it all read more smoothly.
Hope this helps! Great vibe, really excited to see this come to life.
ModeratorApril 1, 2021 at 1:24 am
Thanks so much for the feedback, I was a bit nervous about how to fill or how much was overfiling the word balloons. I don’t know that it was conious, but while looking at my first draft Thumbs.. it was definetly an issue. So thank you for that suggestion, it was not something I would have ever thought of. 🙂
Also the orbit thing I’m in a bit of a bind. I’m sure I want the time in to be moving (theoretically) in Time AND the universe … but I’m not sure how to say that the days of the Time Inn are based on the passing of the star; as each star is a Sun, in it’s own universe so to speak. Every time the Earth rotates in our system it’s a day, each orbit of the sun a year, each orbit of this place in another solar system is timed differently, as a day… therefore by the time we ‘orbit’ Ircus in the story, in our own solar system the universe has expanded to it’s max, and we hit the end of time… again theoretically…
I will work on this a bit, and I’m going to visit a planetarium nearby soon for visual referance so Maybe I can get some guidenance there on how to better expalin this idea.. of breaking down time by orbiting other systems in space. lol, I know I gotta always make it complicated.. but I just can’t help myself. Thanks for letting me know it might lose some people.
And your offer is greatly appreciated but I’d like to keep all my notes and feedback in the forums as a learning experiance and to be available to others to read, so if you have anything else feel free to post back in here. 😉
Thanks again for the comments! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I’ll work on all of them.
D Alley, the Redheadeded
- This reply was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by redheadeded.
ModeratorApril 1, 2021 at 8:00 am
I really enjoyed this story, you have some awesome imagery and when you described page 3 initially, I had this huge image of the chandelier’s stars mixed with stars on the ceiling and the family’s silhouette lost among them, but now I see that the panels are actually the chandelier’s star-shaped crystals… very cool.
I have a few questions about primarily the last pages, there seems to be a lot going on. 8-9 panels is a lot. It doesn’t seem like you have a big ‘moment’ to finish on. And with your big “universal” idea is seems unfair that the last of the story is told in tiny panels.
Not saying you should go and change anything necessarily, but have you thought about a single panel with the characters positioned in a sequential order to tell the tale, and the entire background is one image of the galaxy, where the stars fill up the upper left corner, but then gradually disappear until there are none in the lower right? The page could even go white in the lower right to signify the end of time. Just some food for thought.
This story has the potential for some epically cool imagery, I’m dying for you to capitalize on it!
ModeratorApril 8, 2021 at 10:17 pm
This is a really cool story <a class=’bp-suggestions-mention’ href=’https://create.comicbookschool.com/members/redheadeded/’ rel=’nofollow’>@redheadeded I love the concept.
I know you’re planning to draw it your own story, but I don’t know if you’re planning to letter it. One thing you may want to consider is to separate the captions and dialogue out from the panel description. That makes it easier for your letterer to see, and keeps them from missing things.
Also, there are a few places where you seem to have multiple actions in a panel. Remember that unlike film or animation, the characters are static, and therefore can only do one thing in each panel. You may find you want to separate some of the actions into 2 panels once you start drawing.
But, overall, I really enjoyed the story. I think you hide the twist well, and that it is paced well too.
ModeratorApril 13, 2021 at 10:07 pm
Thanks for the comments, sorry I was delayed in responding. I have several Ideas I am working through in Thumbs for the these pages.. They are not a confinded necessiarly to what is written here. But I have very clear idea in my head of how the visuals of the narrative will be laid out on the page.This will be so it is fully readible and still invoke a sense of awh and wonder that the story is selling. We’ll see if I succueed. ? 😮 ?
– To be fair I did break the ‘thoughts’ expressed in the story into panels, since I am drawing it, I wasn’t as worried about each one being a clear break from image to image, but if I were to pass this to another artist I might have labeled that differently.
- The Stars need to be the main focus in those panels because I want the reader to feel as though they are unable to see clearly waht is going on because the stars are in the way. METAPHORES!
- I am working through this in the thumbs, like I said above it might not be boxed in so much that each thought or plot point is a Separate panel as much as it has a break and a outline all it’s own.
- The universe dieing and the missed opportunies of the main character are doing to be a big deal visually. So we’ll see how it works out. 😉
I am planing on doing the whole thing, the formatting on the forums left me with some issues that I don’t think I would have if I dropped it in a doc, but I”m trying to stick with using the forums to the best of their ablitiy, so That format issue is not something I could fix here, but a good note I will keep in my back pocket. Thanks!
- I did pack a bit more into a couple of the panels didn’t I? Thanks for the note I had to move stuff around once already due to my animation mind thinking I had simple actions that were not gonna work in stills.. I will need to keep a better eye out for it. Again great note, thanks!
Thanks for the feedback guys I REALLY REALLY appreciate it. D Alley, the Redheadeded.
- This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by redheadeded. Reason: FORMATTING for goodness SAKES!
ModeratorApril 18, 2021 at 4:16 am
Ok, I tried to incoorperate most if not all the feedback I recieved, and some things I learned from Jamal’s script review of LIve Stream.
Since I can’t control the formatting in the fourms I have put it in a Google doc, (sorry I don’t own word, and I’m not ready to pay for it..”
If you see anything else you feel you HAVE to comment on .. please let me know here.
I’m knocking out the thumbs tonight and hopefully I’ll be able to download the Character Deisgns from the cloud before next week begins.
Wish me luck!
D Alley, the Redheadeded.