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  • Time in By the Stars… Plot Revisions

  • redheadeded

    March 27, 2021 at 10:11 pm

    I think I am addressing all the feedback I received.. let me know if you guys see anything else, I know I am a bit late so I’ll post my script too asap. Page 1: A tired family in a station wagon exits the highway next to the “Time Inn” sign.

    – This page/scene is to show the family dynamic, the Father is a bit fool hardy, looking for adventure, the mother is cautious and more attentive to her children than her husband’s antics, and the kids are mostly distracted, one in his games to bypass his father’s over the top personality, and the other klinging to his mother for validation.

    Page 2: The Family of four nervously enters the luxury accomidations to check in.
    – This page/scene introduces the wonderousness, and otherworldlyness of the estate that is the Time Inn by the stars.. it is crossing the threshold into the unknown, and the family will be tiny in scale to it’s grandure.

    Page 3: They see the Star Chandeliers and each pick one a star, as instructed by the Night Manager.
    – To reenforce the scale of the family to the universe, most of the interior visuals will be seen through the chandiler’s many twinkling stars.. The Night Manager and staff will be highlighted only when needed. this story is about the family man not the ailen elements.

    Page 4: They are lead to their room by a bellhop, passing many wonderous ammenities.

    • This will again show the scale the family should be seen across wide hallways and grand staircases seemingly small and awed by the Time Inn and all it’s temptations.

    Page 5: The family separates after dinner, one son is missing and the Father wanders the grounds ‘supposedly’ looking for the boy.
    – This is the first chance we get to see the strain of the family dealing with the otherness of the place, the Mother agures with the father and people start missing. But even as we get to know the family the father is still spellbound to explore this huge new world.

    Page 6: In the morning the Dad can’t find his family, he frantically searches an empty estate.
    – This is the turning point where the vail of wonder starts to faid. The husband/father becomes aware that he is alone and something isn’t right, these panels will be short quick eerie visuals that push the reader forward.

    Page 7: He goes to front desk for explaination, and is told his family checked out on time, as an old man enters the Inn.
    – This page scene is at the front desk again but now we see it without the chandelier… the stars do not block the view and the desperation in the husband/father’s character at having lost his family inflates the visuals so he is as big as his surroundings, the wonderous other world is shrinking.

    Page 8: The old man is the long lost son of the family man. He explains the Time Inn to his father, and the universe ends.
    – The final page needs to hold a lot of information, so I will have to really work on how the dialog gives enough explaination without filling the panels with text, but still leaves the reader to wonder of the how and why… I’d like it to be open to inturputation on what the man learns and how he feels, but the finalitiy of the death of the universe should be clear.

    A lot of people said it would be creepy or eerie, and I wasn’t going for a Shinning type vibe.. more a The legend of Oisín, Niamh and land of eternal youth so we’ll see how well I do.

    Continuing to forward to your feed back!
    D Alley, the Redheadeded

  • jojabarker

    March 29, 2021 at 10:31 am

    Thank you for linking a reference to your inspiration! I really see the parallels and almost wonder (especially when the Inn shrinks around the father) if a Dr. Seuss / Willy Wonky vibe might be more appropriate…?

  • redheadeded

    April 1, 2021 at 1:13 am

    @jojabarker ,

    Thanks for the feedback, I am hoping for more of a cosmic reality check than a goofy literal shrinking of the hotel.. more like “the Nothing” from Neverending story.. it’s epic in a way that he made it to the end of the universe, but because he lost his chance to experiance living in it in any real sense, it should be bittersweet. Experiancing just this one event in exchange for his life time of experiances and his family’s happiness… Mounmental but only for a moment, kinda thing..

    Is there a way you think I could write this to get that across better? Looking for any suggestions as I’m not the greatest at written word.

    Thanks Jo!

    D Alley, the Redheadeded

    • jojabarker

      April 1, 2021 at 11:02 am

      @redheadeded I appreciate the clarification, and “the Nothing” is an excellent reference! I can think of bittersweet examples (like Danile Clowes’ WILSON), but for what you’re trying to go for all I can think is something that’s like a panic attack?!

      The best way I usually try to get my vision across is thinking of videos, comics scenes, etc. that I can provide a link to.

      An example of this process is where if I want a world to have the look of FIFTH ELEMENT but the attitude of MAD MAX: ROAD WARRIOR I’d provide a still of the former and a video (typically YouTube) for the latter.

      Again, when you mentioned “the Nothing” I had a clearer idea of what you were going for! And just like you provided the link for the Irish fable, this can be extended to whenever you’re having trouble putting things into words 😜

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