Forums › Forums › 8-Page Challenge #2 › 8-Page Challenge #2 > Step 5 > Scripting & Revisions › The Bittersuite Script PDF
The Bittersuite Script PDFthesurrealari updated 3 months, 3 weeks ago 5 Members · 6 Posts
MemberMarch 30, 2021 at 8:08 am20 Forum Points
Here’s “The BitterSuite” script.
I worked closely with @mikedoestheart on this script. We’ve discussed this project in depth and hope everyone enjoys the final product.
MemberMarch 31, 2021 at 6:48 am20 Forum Points
Really great concept, and I really like the core relationships between Niknak and both Deklak and Gibu
Some notes: On Page 2, I think you can let the visuals show a lot of what Niknak is saying. We’ll get that the room is bigger on the inside by seeing the forest.
In general, you’ve got a lot of dialogue for eight pages. Maybe take a look for where you can trim things down.
I don’t think the narration text at the bottom of page 7 is adding anything, either. I think we get that through the narrative itself.
Still, great dynamic action, I like seeing details like the broom evolve as the story goes on, too!
Hope this is helpful,
AdministratorApril 1, 2021 at 7:15 pm
Dave, thanks for the feedback on the script, greatly appreciated that you took the time to read. I agree about how page 2 conveys a certain emotion that doesn’t necessarily necessitate the need for a lot of dialogue — I think that’s something we’ll truncate during the lettering process.
Page 7’s narration text is also a point to scrutinize, perhaps. I think the most important dialogue would just be Gibu’s mention of an important lesson the next day, and that can be conveyed in a few words as well.
ModeratorApril 1, 2021 at 8:18 am
Guys, I really like this story a lot.
I’m not worried about the dialogue at all, I’m a bit worried that you may have a lot of panels. There’s a lot to draw with each page, at just looking at the panel count, several pages with 8 panels a page with 11… I don’t envy your job Mike.
That said, I can’t wait to see how you tackle it! There’s some great action and set pieces you have, and I’d really hate to see somethings get cut.
Now, I’m also going to add this on a purely technical level, because this is supposed to be a learning experience for everyone, and I know you both wrote this together and you both understand the paneling as you wrote it because you’re also the artist. As an outsider, it took me a few readthroughs of the first few pages to fully understand how the script works. There’s not a lot to go on for panel descriptions at least until later in the script, and I was a bit lost because of it. Again, not an issue because you’re doing it all in-house, but if you had to hand this off to artists who didn’t help you write it, I sense there would be a bunch of questions.
All said and done, with the killer character designs, I really think your comic will be great and I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
AdministratorApril 1, 2021 at 7:20 pm
thanks for taking the time to read! I think we addressed the number of panels in page 8, so it may have been a less recent update of the script that may have had more than 8 panels. 11 panels would be on another level entirely, i agree! lol
I think it may be a little nebulous without knowing how we’re setting up the shots throughout the story with regards to your comments on the script — we already have the pages laid out and one of the more important aspects is how Niknak traverses Gibu’s room throughout – i’m going off of memory but i believe three of the pages show the same view of Gibu’s expansive room with many minute details that will change incrementally everytime the reader sees it, as it’ll set the tone for the passage of time in the outside world as well as for niknak/gibu and their relationship — that’s something we actually developed before the script was even halfway done, and i think that may be evident in how the script is written as some descriptive information is assumed to be known by those reading it. i’m hoping that the next phase of this will illustrate that a bit better!
ModeratorApril 9, 2021 at 1:39 am
I really enjoyed this story. It plays with a familiar trope in an interesting way.
One concern I have is the way the read-order on the top of the page is described. If you are going to use any read-orders that ask the reader to go down first instead of left after the top left panel, you need a layout that makes that clear. You may want to consider the frequency with which you do that as well. Art Spiegleman has some unconventional layouts in Maus, and he uses arrows to direct the reader occasionally, which is no ideal, but hey, he’s Art Speigleman and he can get away with it. If the read order is conventional, then why do you need to indicate it at the top of each page?
One other small thing: I was bothered by a tense shift on page 7 “A chore became a friendship” “and fates become intertwined.” Is their a reason for the shift from past to present? Consider making them match.
Otherwise, an excellent story. Good concept, original use of the prompt.
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