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Space-Time ContinuINN Scriptgeorge-dawkins-ii updated 6 months, 2 weeks ago 7 Members · 12 Posts
ModeratorMarch 22, 2021 at 9:27 pm
I appreciate your feedback!
MemberMarch 27, 2021 at 5:54 am20 Forum Points
Hey George, thanks for sharing! I marked up your script in track changes below.
Hope it is helpful.
ModeratorMarch 29, 2021 at 6:32 am
Hey @george-dawkins-ii ,
This is great, the only thing I am not sure about after reading the script, and Dave’s Notes, is the distance in the visual shown, in the present day you point out close ups and what not, it made me think I’m not sure where the camera view would be for the fight scenes and dialog panels, are they all wide? or some close up for facal reactions and showing the hits of the dueling bodies?
This might be something you leave completely up to your artist but I was curious what you though.
Thanks for posting!
D Alley, the Redheadeded
ModeratorMarch 30, 2021 at 10:08 pm
Thanks for your feedback, Erin! I realize that I’m mixing film with comics. When I use the term close-up, I’m basically saying that the object I’m referring to is being focused on. I have a minor in film, so I feel like I’m using this terminology because it helps me to better explain the story I’m trying to tell, but I understand if it raises questions like the ones you have since this is comics and not film.
Also, I know you were wondering how it would be shown visually that Titus and Marcus are related, so me and @Bauldeury came up with the idea of giving Marcus a birthmark across his nose that he inherits from Titus.
ModeratorApril 1, 2021 at 9:49 am
This is a very cute story, that honestly one everyone can relate to because who DOESN’T wake up and have urges for what they dreamed about. One of the things that I think you will benefit from, is finding some way during the dream to have a bit more character development. And because we don’t really know the character too well, right now, the story goes from A to B, but for no reason. He’s just a badass who owns everyone and a bear in a gladiatorial arena, then wakes up and is hankering for some meat. I think you were on to something with the line about the parents being lion food, but that was it, you dropped it as randomly as you brought it up. Build on it. Make it so that this guy actually has a problem with lions. Have it so that there is a true disdain for lions in his eye.
For the reader, it could stem from a family photo in his luggage where you see one of those strips of four photos or something with him and his parents on a safari smiling into the camera, in the next photo, a lion shows up in the background while they’re making silly faces, in the third photo, the family is realizing the lion is running up to them from behind and in the fourth photo, he’s screaming but mom and dad are cut out of the photo that has teeth marks in it. It could be comical, but it gives the reader a reason for his dream state and that line in particular. And for the final fight in the colosseum, make it a lion instead of a bear. Dots will be connected much more satisfactorily.
ModeratorApril 2, 2021 at 1:04 am
Thanks for your feedback! I like the idea of having a photo or set of photos that show a mutual disdain for lions between Titus and Marcus. They would have to be seen somewhere in his room, so I’ll definitely discuss with @Bauldeury how to best show them.
This project has really made me research gladiators, and in doing so I’ve discovered that the animals gladiators fought, which I had to choose from, include lions, bears, tigers, bulls, boar, dogs, cheetahs, panthers, rhinoceros, and hyenas. I also discovered a gladiator named Carpophorus who’s said to have once killed 20 animals in a single battle, but with the 8-page limit and my inclusion of 3 other gladiators, I came to the decision that it would be best to have just one animal.
The reason I picked a bear is because to me it just seems like the most challenging/intimidating choice on its own. Have you ever seen The Revenant? While I’m referencing movies, you may also remember in the classic film Gladiator that Maximus killed a tiger, but there was more than one tiger in that fight and they were really just a distraction while he was facing the other gladiator.
To be honest, my intent behind the line about
Titus’s parent is to leave the reader wanting to know more about his origin
so I can potentially build on that later. I try to look ahead, so I’m hoping
that I get to continue (no pun intended) this story somehow. As a result, I leave questions
purposely to create a demand for answers that I’m prepared to give in the
future. I understand if this may be a risky approach.
ModeratorApril 8, 2021 at 9:59 pm
I agree with @krisburgos that I’d like to see a bit more character development, some device that connects the character with the ancestor. Being that the first part is a dream, and that dreams are, traditionally, venues for symbolism/subconscious, you could put in some visual symbols that are reflected in the setting of the room. So, you could have the photos like Kris suggested, or (and?) you could have some symbolic elements during the dream–which might not even have a clear meaning until after the character wakes up.
ModeratorApril 9, 2021 at 9:46 am
Thanks for the feedback, Ari! When it comes to visual symbols, I think there’s just the birthmark so far. How about a Colosseum snow globe in Marcus’s room? <a class=’bp-suggestions-mention’ href=’https://create.comicbookschool.com/members/bauldeury/’ rel=’nofollow’>@Bauldeury
MemberApril 10, 2021 at 12:44 am20 Forum Points
Thanks for the feedback. However, I don’t feel this story relies on a strong and clear visual link, but on a more subtle relation evocation, through the bear meat.
Plus, I’m afraid putting things related to what happen in the first sequence just makes more probable it was just a dream. (colosseum in the room -> dream of colosseum).
MemberApril 10, 2021 at 2:01 am
Rather than birthmark, perhaps a mannerism? It doesn’t need to be something overt, maybe like flipping a coin when he’s bored or such. That way it creates a link between the two characters in the context of the story without necessarily suggesting a genetic trait that has been retained somehow a couple thousand years later. Just a thought.