Forums › Forums › 8-Page Challenge #2 › 8-Page Challenge #2 > Step 5 > Scripting & Revisions › Meatbucket MegaBabes – ‘Time Out at the Time Inn’ – Script
Meatbucket MegaBabes – ‘Time Out at the Time Inn’ – Scriptjarrod-elvin updated 6 months, 2 weeks ago 3 Members · 4 Posts
MemberApril 4, 2021 at 4:54 pm
Hi everyone, sorry I’m a little late with this. I haven’t had much of a chance to work on it or revise it more than a quick and hasty attempt, but I hope you enjoy!
(If you can see what I’m trying to do with the story and think of a better way to do it, your input would be most welcome! Thanks!)
ModeratorApril 8, 2021 at 10:57 pm
I like this. The story is tight, and I like how you affect the time loop. The only thing that’s tripping me up is the breaking the fourth wall dialogue about comics. I feel like that element could be developed a bit more. Do the others know? Is this a recurring aspect for the character? But overall, it is paced well, and is a cool concept.
MemberApril 9, 2021 at 5:00 am20 Forum Points
Hey Jarrod, this was really fun! I’m not sure I like the 4th wall break, personally. I like the meta quality of the story without needing you to call it out.
One other little thing, on Page 4, Panel 1: I don’t understand Concierge’s Dialogue here. I think it’s a joke but I’m missing it.
Looking forward to seeing this come to life.
MemberApril 10, 2021 at 7:38 pm
Thanks Ari and Dave!
It seems you both don’t resonate with the 4th wall break with Zacat. Which I can totally understand, and I’m grateful you let me know.
To answer your questions; The other characters don’t really know what Zacat is talking about. The line about comics is just meant to be dismissed as crazy talk by the MegaBabes. (I started developing a longer story for a Meatbucket MegaBabes webcomic, where there is a religion that believes that the Meatbucket Multiverse was created by ‘The Great Artist’ and they are all living in a big comic, Which happens to be true, but most of the inhabitants of the Meatbucket don’t believe in it) -But that’s never meant to be a focus in the storyline, nothing more than some ‘world-building lore’ mentioned here and there.
As for Zacat, they too were to appear in the webcomic, in similar ways that they appear in this story; In a kind of dream-like sequence in which time runs differently, sometimes looping, the 4th wall is broken, and no one remembers that it happened. So yes, I guess it is a recurring aspect to the character.
Thanks for saying the story is tight Ari! That’s what I was worrying about. I really respect and admire your story-writing finesse, so I will stop worrying now! That’s good enough for me! Haha.
And Thank you Dave! The whole reason I left Zacat in the story was because I thought it would be needed to be bluntly spelled out to the readers that the comic loops. That was back in the beginning of my brainstorming, and perhaps the script as it is doesn’t need that anymore. Do you think it is apparent enough that the comic loops without calling direct attention to it, at least once? -Do you think it makes sense to someone who would only read it once? -Is it satisfying for a single read-through?
-I kind of liked the idea of the MegaBabes stumbling upon the Artifact on their own better than having Zacat hand it to them, so maybe I can just write Zacat out of it completely, which would simplify it all a bit and make it all bit more succinct. …Then again, I did write him in as being part of the ‘spiritual nexus’ history of the hotel, as one half of the forces of good and evil battling for eternity. Hmm… I’ll need to give this more thought, which I don’t really have much time or chance to do. -Maybe I should just remove the line about the comic looping, haha. What do you think?
And that line by the Concierge, when he says ‘Putrid?’ -That is the name of the Bellboy he is calling for. (It will be on the Bellboy’s nametag in the illustrations which I think should make that clearer.)
Thanks again for the feedback gentlemen! I’ll need to start my thumbnails asap, so I will keep in mind what you have suggested.