Forums › Forums › 8-Page Challenge #2 › 8-Page Challenge #2 > Step 5 > Scripting & Revisions › Lost Inn Repose PDF
Lost Inn Repose PDFASAP updated 5 months, 3 weeks ago 7 Members · 7 Posts
MemberMarch 21, 2021 at 8:39 pm20 Forum Points
MemberMarch 27, 2021 at 6:02 am20 Forum Points
Thanks for sharing Jack!
I really enjoyed this, it was fun. I’m excited to see the magics fly, but more importantly I like how Sev and Elle learn to understand each other.
Two quick points of feedback: 1: Consider cutting both the opening narration and the closing narration. Maybe let the visuals show the story and emotion that we should be feeling, rather than telling us what to feel?
2: I won’t lie, the logic of how Sev could be alive for a 30 year fight with no breaks confused me. I like the immense amount of time they fight, and the reveal that the fight brings the two characters together, but this tripped me up. Maybe show a panel of the two of them grumpily sharing a meal in there?
Great ending, too!
ModeratorMarch 29, 2021 at 6:25 am
Hey @jholder12 ,
I really like this story, and everything comes across clear and well thought through. I especially like the bit at the end where they throw the man out and begin to compliment each other, I’m with Dave though, 30 years no bathroom breaks? only one of them is dead right? so maybe a panel or two of them licking their wounds and glaring at each other could help.. but I love that it takes sooo long for them to realize the other is a friend.
Curious, are you going to call out the “Time Inn” as the prompt in any way in the comic? or just the conceptual reference to the two women spending so much time at this Inn. ???
Also spa day? -really? – seems a bit cliche to me, is there any other way to imply women can take care of them selves and each other without “having a spa day”… just my 2 cents,
Looking forward to seeing how this comes together.. Thanks for posting!
D Alley, the Redheadeded
- This reply was modified 7 months ago by redheadeded.
ModeratorApril 1, 2021 at 8:35 am
This is a fun story and I loved how these two eventually became friends but I agree with Dave and would add some form of “peace” between the two, sometime in the middle of the fighting. Purely for logic reasons (it IS odd that they went at it nonstop for 30+years) and because it also gives a chance for an even more “earned” ending. Having a page where they’re not necessarily having dinner together, but maybe having a competitive hunt for food and then a hostile dinner prep with an insulting food fight at the meal.
Or even some sibling-like hostilities when they’re each trying to sleep. Like one putting the other’s hand in a bucket of water while they sleep or doing the tickling the ear with foam in their hand kinda trick. The whole time, they could be complaining about their own issues (the ones that they mention at the end) and it and it will feel just a touch more earned. Because as the readers, we know they were listening to each other based on logic, but if their issues didn’t just pop up at the end, we’d know where the issues came from. Just something to break up the monotonous fight-fight-fight pages. Otherwise, this is gonna be a great story.
ModeratorApril 8, 2021 at 11:20 pm
Really tight story. I like the pacing. I think you could get away with not breaking the fighting action depending on how you cut the fight scenes. The captions seem to indicate years of the fight, so they’re not necessarily continuous.
I do think you would benefit from some dialogue that states some of the problems earlier (as others have mentioned), to foreshadow that their eventual reconciliation and to employ some dramatic irony that pays off in the end.
MemberMay 4, 2021 at 1:50 am18 Forum Points
The thing that really stands out to me is Page 4 and 5. I love how you’re using small shots to show the passage of time. I would consider having every other panel switch between day and night, with the sun and moon moving further and further to the right, and the moon’s phases changing to show the passage of time.
I’m not sure if 33 years of fighting makes a lot of sense to me. If you’re just going for the idea that they’ve been fighting for longer than they can remember, perhaps you can have Sevrine look slightly older by page 5. For instance, on Page 5 – Panel 3, the artist can add some gray to her hair, so that on Panel 4 and 5, she’s looking at herself in a mirror instead of her hands. The shock on that panel could be accented with her grasping a lock of graying hair and a simple large word balloon with small letters saying, “How long…”
I would also cut the “30 years” from panel 7 since I doubt they’d know how long they’d been fighting unless they looked at a calendar.
If you’re trying to established that they instead come back and pick up the fight every day for 30 years, then you may need to rework the dialog on this page and the next to allude to that fact.
Overall, I love the story so far and can’t wait to see it fully rendered.