MemberMarch 27, 2021 at 6:56 am20 Forum Points
Setup: A high-speed, low-drag spec ops team from an apocalyptic future is sent to extract a recently kidnapped scientist named Victor Lazlo (we only steal from the best here).
The team is leaving a motel in what we would recognize as a “normal” part of an urban landscape as we set up the story and introduce the characters. They chit-chat a bit as the terrain outside their van windows gets seedier and then damn near destroyed.
Victor Lazlo is sitting in a decrepit room wearing a bulky collar looking scared as the merc extraction team, working for Spartan Unlimited, spreads out after their arrival. The leader waggles the remote for the detonator in the collar and reminds Lazlo that if he tries to escape, or some other unfortunate things were to happen, they will be cleaning up his head with a mop.
Two team members are let out of the van to set up position. An obvious sniper and another team member.
The van blows through the fence around a mostly demolished motel “Good Time Inn” as the guards are taken down. One team member runs at a largish window, a weapon in each hand as two other team members are running from the back of the van to the right. The first character crashes through the window and guns down two mercs inside. As the other mercs in the room pivot to kill the usurper in their midst, an explosion from the right blows through the wall and the extra team memebrs help mop up.
Seeing the back room doorway, one team member checks it out and gets shot and wounded from inside. The team leader steps around the doorjam with his hands up trying to be reasonable. “Screw you!, etc” and the team leader steps aside for the sniper to take out the final merc hiding behind Lazlo.
Team starts policing stuff up for extraction when one of them notices on some notes being taken by the guy they just smoked that Lazlo was actually giving them the goods. It wasn’t a kidnapping, this guy is a traitor! Before they can react, Lazlo lunges at the remote and takes his own life.
The natives start getting restless and the team makes an evac under fire.
ModeratorMarch 29, 2021 at 4:12 am
That is a lot in one story! It sounds action packed and exciting.. I like that it all goes down in the Good Time Inn. 😉
I will say that with so much going on it is hard to tell who is who when everyone in a team member and or a merc?.. maybe try to differenciate each team with a different noun, like these people team A is a team, but the other guys Team B are a crew or a gang, or a squad? Just a thought, might help other people who are reading your story for the first time.
I am sure we will get into the nitty-gritty of intro’s and who’s who in the script phase so I am interested to know more.. why they want Lazlo, what kind of scienctist is he? and what makes him the best? what happened to the world? and is that tied into the kidnapping, the scientist or the “Good Time Inn”.
Also I’m a bit unclear when Lazlo “”goes for the remote” why? there are notes being taken by who because all the bad guys are taken out? I am not sure I understand the conclusion.. Hoping to get more details in the next couple steps, and looking forward to it.
One extra detail, and I am looking back through the documentation to make sure we mention it.. this is a PG and up publication, and we hate to edit for content.. please bare in that in mind with the killing and snipers and stuff. But it’s very cool and intense I like the premise.
D Alley, the Redheadeded
- This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by redheadeded.
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