Forums › Forums › 8-Page Challenge #2 › 8-Page Challenge #2 > Step 5 > Scripting & Revisions › Assassins in the Tavern
Assassins in the Tavernkrisburgos updated 3 months, 3 weeks ago 3 Members · 4 Posts
ModeratorMarch 31, 2021 at 7:51 am
Here’s the script for Assassins in the Tavern. I will say that I start a new page whenever there is a page break, much like Buddy describes in the CBS post, so despite the page count, when the spaces between page breaks are taken out, it’s only like 11 pages.
I know there are constraints to keep the anthology PG/PG13 and being my own letterer, I know what is going to be censored so I write what hits me. Also, I spoke with Roi to make sure his art is keeping things suggestive without the vivid graphic violence.
That said, please enjoy and drop some feedback.
ModeratorApril 8, 2021 at 7:04 pm
I love how you play with perspectives here, and how you give a glimpse of a larger story framed by the smaller one. My main concern with the script is that it is really text-heavy. There will be a lot of words per panel and per page. I wonder if you could streamline the dialogue on your next pass–say the same thing, but in fewer words?
Two specific points of feedback: There are a couple of panels–both involving the pills–where you have two actions in the same panel (3.4 and 5.1). I was always taught that each action should be in a separate panel. If you agree with this theory–and if the pills are important to you–perhaps separate those actions out into their own insets?
Also, unless I missed it, you don’t mention Isabel’s name until very late in the comic. I don’t see a mention of Valentin’s name in the captions at all. I am thinking about Darren Sanchez’ presentation from last year where he suggested Buddy add a line of dialogue to identify Bruce Banner early in the story.
That said, I think this is a very strong story. I love the philosophical element, the narrative perspective, and the moral questions it raises for the reader. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
MemberApril 9, 2021 at 4:25 am20 Forum Points
Hey Kris, thanks for sharing! I agree with Ari above, there’s a lot of dialogue and narration for 8 pages. I also think some of the captions are unnecessary, and you can let the art/character expressions do the talking (especially on pages 12 & 13).
I like Valentin’s arc here, for sure, and I really like how memory bleeds into the tale.
<font face=”inherit”>Honestly, if you need to cut space, and this is a drastic suggestion, given the limited scope of the comic, you may want to cut Isabel entirely. She doesn’t really get an arc, and the moral </font>quandary<font face=”inherit”> is about whether or not Valentin will kill David. Yes, having her there does humanize Valentin, but you’ve got so few pages here, and I think Valentin being the last of the order, rather than the second to last, strengthens what you’re going for.</font>
<font face=”inherit”>Hope this helps!</font>
<font face=”inherit”>Dave </font>
ModeratorApril 9, 2021 at 7:46 am
Thank you very much for taking the time with the great feedback. I totally know its very wordy, I tend to overwrite on page text and do my edits once I see the finished page and start lettering (it’s the good thing about being my own letterer.) It also helps me make sure I get all my thoughts onto the page, but yes, I’m definitely going to have to bring an axe to some of the page text for this project.
Ari – I looked at those panels you mentioned and I get where you’re coming from. I saw it as “many things happening at once” panels, but if I want to make sure the focus is on the pills, then I should have small panels indicating what’s happening to them separate from the other actions. Good catch. I’ll look into changing that. As for their introductions, Isabel is name dropped by Valentin on page 4 and he introduces himself to David on page 5. I was looking into changing that to make it sooner, I just haven’t figured out where. Both make their appearance in the 3rd page, do you think that’s too late?
Dave – Ouch, that IS a drastic measure. If I had a bit more time, I’d figure it out, but I don’t want to go down a rewrite path that bold, this late in the game… my artist is in the Philippines and getting him on the horn is a week long project on its own 😅. But you’re also right about her presence being what humanizes Valentin, as that’s one of the reasons she’s in there in the first place. Glad you saw that!
Thank you both again. I’ll see what I can do to get that page text down from 80’s Claremont-esque level it’s at and I’m also going to make sure my artist (Roi) really emphasizes certain expressions/actions to help alleviate the necessity for text.
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