AdministratorMay 9, 2020 at 3:50 am
We are making progress! If you are following along with the schedule, you know that this is a big step.
Please review this post on writing the first draft of your script. Then use the ATTACH button at the bottom of this thread and attach your script.
How to Write the Script for Your 8-Page Comic Story | #8PgChallenge – Step 5
As with previous steps, please provide feedback to each other here on the message boards. You may also want to participate in small writing groups to give direct feedback. Do whatever works for you.
ModeratorMay 9, 2020 at 8:54 am
@gdawkins2 Hey! Just finished reading your script, it’s a tight read, though I feel it’s a little too tight. I see that majority of your pages have 1 or 2 panels, and I think one of your pages doesn’t even have description to it, it’s just the dialogue. Unless you’ve already discussed with your artist that they’re gonna have to do most of the legwork, like the old school marvel way based on your plotting, there’s not enough description for the artist to work with. And I can tell you, if you are planning on single or 2 panel pages, it’ll make your story feel less like a comic book and more like a storybook. The cool thing about comics is that they have multiple panels conveying multiple actions, which I know you want in your story. Storybooks are more static single pictures working off some pages of text. And too many splash pages (single panel pages) feel like a storybook. Don’t be afraid to flesh out the script a little to give the artist some direction, because without it, your artist could surprise you and give you something completely opposite of what you actually want. Good luck!
MemberMay 9, 2020 at 10:55 pm
@jholder I just finished your script. Really well done, there might be a few line edits I would do for language, but otherwise I think you nailed the self-contained story in 8 pages concept. It was a really well done vignette in the lives of these characters and gave me a sense of a large narrative in which they were contained.
MemberMay 10, 2020 at 10:46 am
Here is my script; second draft after a bit of feedback, happy for more!
I didn’t go into too much detail in the panel descriptions, I feel I’d explore that better visually while I’m doing the thumbnails.
Hope you enjoy! 😀
MemberMay 11, 2020 at 1:02 am
ModeratorMay 11, 2020 at 4:28 am
Here is the current draft of my script for Mr. Stupendous. Thank you to those who provided feedback on the plot. I’ve incorporated some of it here,
A couple of focus questions for your consideration:
- I considered two insets on P1, but ultimately decided against them. The first was of Mr. Stupendous telling his wife he would have to work late; the second was of him on the receiving end of the punch that gave him the black eye. If I include these, they would, most likely be in thought bubbles, as he is remembering the night while looking in the window (Think of the old Will Eisner-style opening splash pages from The Spirit). Do you think I should add them back in or leave the page as is (with just the one panel)?
- On page 3, should I add a panel where the sky darkens forebodingly before the actual rain starts. It would allow me to have the sky blue when he starts flying, adding to the comic effect, but I’m not sure that’s entirely necessary.
- On page four, do you think there needs to be one more panel showing him changing (possibly while walking down the stairwell)
- On the turn from 7-8: Do you think I should move the first panel from page 8 back to page 7? Part of me thinks it’s really part of that action, but I don’t want to crowd the page.
A couple of other notes:
- There aren’t any character descriptions in the comic, because they appear in the character design document I sent my artist a couple of weeks ago.
- The script is not fully proofed yet. I find it silly to proofread before the text is finalized, as, if changes are made, you have to do the work twice.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by thesurrealari.
MemberMay 16, 2020 at 9:11 am
I read your script and it’s really solid. You’ve paced it well, and the repetition of “stupendous” helps create a nice rhythm. You manage to establish a lot in 8 pages. The tension of his wife not knowing he’s a hero really helps increase the stakes. There is also a nice interplay between the sense of loneliness this is causing for Stupendous and the moments of levity that help balance out the tone. I know you mentioned this is part of a larger series, so is this the first one? It feels very like you’ve set the scene for a much much larger story here. If I have an overall bit of feedback its that you introduce so many facets of Stupendous’ life, I leave the story with more questions than answers. However, once again, given this is part of a series, I’d say that approach helps to make the reader want to come back for more. Overall, great work, and you have me hooked! More specific notes below:
On page one, I like how you integrated the title into the flow of the voice-over. Nice touch. I think you made the right call leaving out the inserts. I feel like you get the same context across without them.
Page two: I love the idea of the two connecting panels (5/6). Have you thought about making this one panel and having the ‘separation’ between the beats be something ‘practical’ like the door frame creating a faux gutter?
Page three: I don’t think you need the extra panel of the sky turning dark. I do think you can draw the readers’ attention to this by having him look up at the darker sky in panel 3 as if he’s assessing the weather.
Page four: No need to show him changing back, by this point the reader can fill in that blank. Also, I love how Stupendous turns an accusation of abuse into innuendo thereby making the receptionist uncomfortable to ask further questions. NOTE: this only works because we KNOW its not abuse. Otherwise, I would say it’s in poor taste.
Page 5 is really well done, I might even say its stupendous! (sorry couldn’t resist.)
The fourth wall breaking of the narrator is a great gag on page 6.
I’d keep the panels how you have them on pages 7-8.
Hope that helps!
ModeratorMay 11, 2020 at 5:52 am
Here’s No Shelter. Still going to tweak some dialogue. I want to possibly add internal monologues for Kaia to give an idea what she’s thinking. Right now, she’s a little bare bones.
MemberMay 11, 2020 at 10:17 am
Here is the first draft of my full script. One note on how I work when I’m writing and drawing: I tend to change things up through the thumbnail process as an act of discovery. So it’s never too late for feedback. Speaking of, I have a few specific questions listed below, but I am looking for any and all feedback. I have attached a pdf of the script but also have provided a google drive link with commenting permissions. If you could I would prefer that you make comments directly in the google doc:
Here are my questions:
— Is the last bit of dialogue on page one (panel 5 & 6) too on the nose?
— Did I go a little too hard on the speculative future slang? (preeb, dusties, fidget, etc)
— Should I add one more action beat to page 4 and merge the last panel on that page with the first panel on page 5?
— Page 5, panel 4: is the dialogue too on the nose?
— Page 6, should panel 5 be its own close-up or just be integrated into the background of panel 4. Also, does this bit feel too deus ex machina?
— Should I move the first panel on page 8 to be the last thing on page 7 and leave page 8 solely for an ‘epilogue’ or should I leave the reveal until the last page?
— Does Abigail’s language sound like a crass teen girl or does it sound more like a cynical 30 plus-year-old man? lol.
Thanks, everyone. I look forward to reading your scripts and can’t wait to hear what you have to say about mine!
ModeratorMay 15, 2020 at 6:36 am
I just read your script, and I think it’s pretty strong. I like the future slang. It’s a nice world-building technique, and I don’t think it’s too much. I also like the detail of the gun mark to differentiate the time machine in the two streams. I do think you can adjust Abigail’s dialogue a bit to make her feel younger. Maybe use some more slang beyond the cursing, or giving her a pet phrase of dialogue quirk to make her speech pattern feel more unique. Also, nd this is a matter of personal preference, but have you considered moving the title card to the first page? When I have my stories in anthologies, I like to have the credits right up front so that the reader knows it’s our (myself and my artists’) story, and it’s easy for them to find our names if they like it or if they are just flipping through the book. I do really like the last bit of dialogue with the dramatic irony of her her knowing and the parents not knowing. The irony works well in the end. I also like the reveal as is. I would keep the turn from 7-8 as you currently have it. As long as you only see her reaction in that last panel on 7, the reveal isn’t spoiled. If anything, it’s enhanced by the suspense of wondering what she saw.
ModeratorMay 12, 2020 at 12:37 am
Here’s a more fleshed out draft of my script
MemberMay 16, 2020 at 9:32 am
I just read Lavatasha, You have some really nice action beats and Lavatasha feels like an authentic post-millennial youth (god I feel old typing that). The “tag me” bit of dialogue really helps sell that. This script does feel a little sparse even though I read the ‘fleshed out’ version. I’d suggest pushing it even further.
Black Ice’s motivation is really interesting. I would try to find a way to ‘show not tell’ this reveal. Maybe before he enters the bank we see him looking at toys or children’s clothes through a shop window. etc. Something that helps integrate it more organically.
I would flesh out some of your scene descriptions. Especially the establishing shot on page 1, Panel 1. Establishing shots are always great opportunities to include some bits of visual foreshadowing and/or worldbuilding.
I like the interplay between Lavatasha and Ice. They seem vaguely friendly even though they are rivals.
You should have them doing something while they talk on page 4. This would add a bit of context to the scene. Like is Black Ice just continuing his heist while they are talking or are they starting to fight while they banter? etc.
I have a question for you to consider: What’s your main goal here? Is it your intent to establish Lavatasha as a character. Do you want us to empathize with Black Ice’s situation? Is this an unusual mentor-mentee situation even though they are on opposite sides of the law? I’d try to tack that down and lean into it during your revisions.
Overall this is off to a great start. Keep going! I look forward to seeing how it develops.
ModeratorMay 14, 2020 at 8:34 am
@toddmatthy I read the script for your “Respect” story. As a pro wrestling fan I thought it was good. I suggest that you provide your artist with clips for reference of the wrestling moves being used (DDT, “pelvaplex”, etc.) just in case they don’t know pro wrestling like we do. Also, after reading your script, Crusher Christian reminded me a lot of Dr. D David Schultz. The Dark Side of the Ring episode on him came out a few weeks ago, and if you haven’t already I recommend that you watch it and maybe even your artist too for a better idea of CC’s character.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by george-dawkins-ii.
ModeratorMay 16, 2020 at 6:25 pm
Thanks for the feedback!
Addressing your points, I’m thinking that maybe after Black Ice breaks into the bank there could be a baby crying in a stroller that he notices which could also qualify as a bit of foreshadowing.
I’ll definitely work on fleshing out the description of the bank on page 1. On page 4, maybe Black Ice could be freezing the vault/safe door to make it brittle and Lavatasha stops him after she comes in by causing lava to erupt from the ground in front of him.
My main goal is to hopefully continue this story by introducing Lavatasha and her status as a popular superhero here while leaving readers with a mystery they may want to find out in a later comic.