MemberMay 18, 2020 at 5:12 am20 Forum PointsCBS Forum Member: Forum Acolyte
Hi Jarrod, I like this story. Its fun and imaginative. The only thing I’d do is reduce the amount of dialogue you have because I don’t see how it’ll all fit into a panel. I’d made a list of panels where I think this will be useful. Hope this helps.
1.2: I’d make this less wordy.
2.3: I’d show the girls getting serious instead.
3.1: I’d cut the entirety of IO’s first round of dialogue. The next two lines sum up what you need to get across.
Your story flows really well, however some panels are missing descriptions and only have dialogue which made it difficult to figure out the story’s rhythm. I made some suggestions for adjustments based on what I’ve read to help things flow better. Hope it helps.
3.1-I’d cut this and have Lavatasha immediately have her entrance.
4.1: Move this dialogue to the previous page.
4.2: Move Lavatasha’s dialogue up to 4.1
4.3-4.4: Combine these.