MemberMay 16, 2020 at 9:32 am
I just read Lavatasha, You have some really nice action beats and Lavatasha feels like an authentic post-millennial youth (god I feel old typing that). The “tag me” bit of dialogue really helps sell that. This script does feel a little sparse even though I read the ‘fleshed out’ version. I’d suggest pushing it even further.
Black Ice’s motivation is really interesting. I would try to find a way to ‘show not tell’ this reveal. Maybe before he enters the bank we see him looking at toys or children’s clothes through a shop window. etc. Something that helps integrate it more organically.
I would flesh out some of your scene descriptions. Especially the establishing shot on page 1, Panel 1. Establishing shots are always great opportunities to include some bits of visual foreshadowing and/or worldbuilding.
I like the interplay between Lavatasha and Ice. They seem vaguely friendly even though they are rivals.
You should have them doing something while they talk on page 4. This would add a bit of context to the scene. Like is Black Ice just continuing his heist while they are talking or are they starting to fight while they banter? etc.
I have a question for you to consider: What’s your main goal here? Is it your intent to establish Lavatasha as a character. Do you want us to empathize with Black Ice’s situation? Is this an unusual mentor-mentee situation even though they are on opposite sides of the law? I’d try to tack that down and lean into it during your revisions.
Overall this is off to a great start. Keep going! I look forward to seeing how it develops.