MemberMay 16, 2020 at 9:11 am
I read your script and it’s really solid. You’ve paced it well, and the repetition of “stupendous” helps create a nice rhythm. You manage to establish a lot in 8 pages. The tension of his wife not knowing he’s a hero really helps increase the stakes. There is also a nice interplay between the sense of loneliness this is causing for Stupendous and the moments of levity that help balance out the tone. I know you mentioned this is part of a larger series, so is this the first one? It feels very like you’ve set the scene for a much much larger story here. If I have an overall bit of feedback its that you introduce so many facets of Stupendous’ life, I leave the story with more questions than answers. However, once again, given this is part of a series, I’d say that approach helps to make the reader want to come back for more. Overall, great work, and you have me hooked! More specific notes below:
On page one, I like how you integrated the title into the flow of the voice-over. Nice touch. I think you made the right call leaving out the inserts. I feel like you get the same context across without them.
Page two: I love the idea of the two connecting panels (5/6). Have you thought about making this one panel and having the ‘separation’ between the beats be something ‘practical’ like the door frame creating a faux gutter?
Page three: I don’t think you need the extra panel of the sky turning dark. I do think you can draw the readers’ attention to this by having him look up at the darker sky in panel 3 as if he’s assessing the weather.
Page four: No need to show him changing back, by this point the reader can fill in that blank. Also, I love how Stupendous turns an accusation of abuse into innuendo thereby making the receptionist uncomfortable to ask further questions. NOTE: this only works because we KNOW its not abuse. Otherwise, I would say it’s in poor taste.
Page 5 is really well done, I might even say its stupendous! (sorry couldn’t resist.)
The fourth wall breaking of the narrator is a great gag on page 6.
I’d keep the panels how you have them on pages 7-8.
Hope that helps!