ModeratorMay 15, 2020 at 6:36 am
I just read your script, and I think it’s pretty strong. I like the future slang. It’s a nice world-building technique, and I don’t think it’s too much. I also like the detail of the gun mark to differentiate the time machine in the two streams. I do think you can adjust Abigail’s dialogue a bit to make her feel younger. Maybe use some more slang beyond the cursing, or giving her a pet phrase of dialogue quirk to make her speech pattern feel more unique. Also, nd this is a matter of personal preference, but have you considered moving the title card to the first page? When I have my stories in anthologies, I like to have the credits right up front so that the reader knows it’s our (myself and my artists’) story, and it’s easy for them to find our names if they like it or if they are just flipping through the book. I do really like the last bit of dialogue with the dramatic irony of her her knowing and the parents not knowing. The irony works well in the end. I also like the reveal as is. I would keep the turn from 7-8 as you currently have it. As long as you only see her reaction in that last panel on 7, the reveal isn’t spoiled. If anything, it’s enhanced by the suspense of wondering what she saw.