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© 2023 Visual Storytelling, LLC

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Buddy, I love the high concept here, and I commend you for packing a lot into your 1000 words. I also like the way you weave the backstory in throughout rather than just dumping all the info at once I think there are some points where you fall into the trap of over-explaining. You don’t need to anticipate every possible question the reader might have. Some of that (for me) gets repetitive. I think just a couple of key points would establish the credibility of the speaker, and that eliminating some of them might help you focus in on and expand some of the other parts. There are places where your writing really sings, such as the paragraph that starts “the earth boils and burps.” And the line “I am here to hold its hand.” On the second pass, I hope you consciously add more of that type of creative imagery. The idea of music being what the speaker misses is interesting. I wonder if you can weave musical or sound language throughout (it seems to be more prevalent in the second half of the story. Using consistent imagery would foreshadow the end and help to shape the piece. Overall, a really great draft. Great last paragraph too. You really end with a bang.

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