ModeratorJune 7, 2021 at 12:00 am
The authenticity of your story shines through, but I would ask you to work on some conventions. First off, the conversations are a bit difficult to follow. Each new speaker’s dialogue should start with a new, indented paragraph.
There are a couple of tense shifts in here, which I am sure your editor will help you smooth out.
Beyond that, I’d like to see you expand some of the description between the dialogue. Build out your setting and world a bit.
It’s an excellent start, though.