ModeratorJune 5, 2021 at 7:02 am
Very cool story and very macabre. One thing I liked that Ari touched on, was the flashbacks, and I too felt you could have gone further with them. I know you’re looking to drop word count, but if you were to dive deeper and write more, you could have a story where the guy’s life flashes before his eyes, intermingled with the tale, prior to his death and that could further lead into his emotions on past events as they pass him by, creating more character development. Think of it like A Christmas Carol, what happens to Scrooge is horrifying, being visited by some creepy-ass ghosts, but if the story didn’t build on his character, would it have hit as much as it did?
One of the issues I generally have with the traditional “Twilight Zone” storytelling… they’re a bone-chilling tales that only matter because of what happens to someone. I tend to be affected more when the character matters to me. But if you’re one for more shock from what happens then by all means go for it, its purely personal preference.