About WordPress
Log In

Search
Notifications

Links
- Main Forum
- ComicBookSchool Website

Sign in

Create @ Comic Book School

Search for:

Create @ Comic Book School

Links
- Main Forum
- ComicBookSchool Website

Search for:

Looks like you got lost!

We couldn’t find the page you were looking for.

© 2023 Visual Storytelling, LLC

Forum Description

Kris, I really like the immediacy of this story. The present tense works well, and I think you are at your strongest when you zoom in on the small details, the breath on the neck, etc. I found the shift in the last third to be a bit jarring. I wonder what would happen if you interspersed those italicized interjections more evenly throughout the story (but perhaps still with greater frequency toward the end). Also, this is a second draft/revision thing for sure (something that I wouldn't expect in a first draft), but I think you have a great opportunity to defamiliarize the opening, instead of "The pain is unrelenting" try to describe that pain with specific details or an unusual figure. Show vs tell. Overall though, great first draft. I'm excited to see how this develops going forward.

Report

There was a problem reporting this post.

Harassment Harassment or bullying behavior

Inappropriate Contains mature or sensitive content

Misinformation Contains misleading or false information

Offensive Contains abusive or derogatory content

Suspicious Contains spam, fake content or potential malware

Other

Block Member?

Please confirm you want to block this member.

You will no longer be able to:

See blocked member's posts
Mention this member in posts
Invite this member to groups
Message this member
Add this member as a connection

Please note: This action will also remove this member from your connections and send a report to the site admin. Please allow a few minutes for this process to complete.

Report

You have already reported this .

Clear Clear All