• thesurrealari

    Moderator
    May 27, 2021 at 7:08 pm
    make icon 59 Forum Points
    CBS Forum Member: Forum Acolyte

    Joel,

    I think you have the framework of something amazing here. I love the mirroring effect and the twilight-zone-esque end.

    I wonder if you are able to weave the backstory/flashbacks throughout the story to make the mirroring effect more integrated. It seems to come a lot at the beginning, whereas the second half is mostly in the present. I wouldn’t want you to lose the momentum of the end, but some more detail/context, continuation of the effects of the inciting incident later in life might amplify the climax.

    Also, I know we are not proofing at this point, but I think there’s a missing a word. The planks probably don’t resemble the grandparents. Given the context, they probably resemble the planks in his grandparents’ house. Normally I wouldn’t bring up this type of line-level issue on a first draft, but it did trip me up and I had to read it twice to understand it.

    That said, the framework is excellent. The end is chilling. I like the idea that Alex had about the figure having no shadow as well.