• thesurrealari

    May 17, 2021 at 10:18 pm
    make icon 58 Forum Points
    CBS Forum Member: Forum Acolyte

    Overall, I really like the story. The strength of this story is in the action. It’s paced well, and carries a good momentum all the way through.

    My favorite page was the grid page. I really like the repeated panels as a storytelling technique (I use it often in my own work as well) and it’s a device that really only works in comics. Interspersing the black panels is a nice touch as well.

    Some suggestions:

    1. Consider naming the characters. A specific name would help the reader identify with the character, as well as provide some additional opportunities for collaboration.
    2. I would like to see–at least obliquely–a bit more about the stakes. The threat of war is there, but there are ways to get in a bit more background, especially in a comic, by adding visual ques–someone reading a newspaper or a news report on a tablet, something on a screen in the background, etc.

    3. I wonder if you could put in a few more allusions to the original Marathon story, either in the dialogue or as easter eggs throughout the story. Even the character names, should you decide to add them, could allude to characters in the original story. That would add another layer of complexity/subtext.

    Overall though, I really enjoyed this and am looking forward to seeing it drawn. The dialogue is done well, and I like the little colloquial phrases that naturally affect the wordbuilding without being obvious about it.