May 4, 2021 at 1:50 am
    make icon 18 Forum Points
    CBS Forum Member: Forum Acolyte

    Hey Jack,

    The thing that really stands out to me is Page 4 and 5. I love how you’re using small shots to show the passage of time. I would consider having every other panel switch between day and night, with the sun and moon moving further and further to the right, and the moon’s phases changing to show the passage of time.

    I’m not sure if 33 years of fighting makes a lot of sense to me. If you’re just going for the idea that they’ve been fighting for longer than they can remember, perhaps you can have Sevrine look slightly older by page 5. For instance, on Page 5 – Panel 3, the artist can add some gray to her hair, so that on Panel 4 and 5, she’s looking at herself in a mirror instead of her hands. The shock on that panel could be accented with her grasping a lock of graying hair and a simple large word balloon with small letters saying, “How long…”

    I would also cut the “30 years” from panel 7 since I doubt they’d know how long they’d been fighting unless they looked at a calendar.

    If you’re trying to established that they instead come back and pick up the fight every day for 30 years, then you may need to rework the dialog on this page and the next to allude to that fact.

    Overall, I love the story so far and can’t wait to see it fully rendered.