• krisburgos

    Moderator
    April 1, 2021 at 9:49 am
    make icon 62 Forum Points
    CBS Forum Member: Forum Acolyte

    This is a very cute story, that honestly one everyone can relate to because who DOESN’T wake up and have urges for what they dreamed about. One of the things that I think you will benefit from, is finding some way during the dream to have a bit more character development. And because we don’t really know the character too well, right now, the story goes from A to B, but for no reason. He’s just a badass who owns everyone and a bear in a gladiatorial arena, then wakes up and is hankering for some meat. I think you were on to something with the line about the parents being lion food, but that was it, you dropped it as randomly as you brought it up. Build on it. Make it so that this guy actually has a problem with lions. Have it so that there is a true disdain for lions in his eye.

    For the reader, it could stem from a family photo in his luggage where you see one of those strips of four photos or something with him and his parents on a safari smiling into the camera, in the next photo, a lion shows up in the background while they’re making silly faces, in the third photo, the family is realizing the lion is running up to them from behind and in the fourth photo, he’s screaming but mom and dad are cut out of the photo that has teeth marks in it. It could be comical, but it gives the reader a reason for his dream state and that line in particular. And for the final fight in the colosseum, make it a lion instead of a bear. Dots will be connected much more satisfactorily.