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© 2023 Visual Storytelling, LLC

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Thanks for sharing D, a lot of cool stuff in this. I'm excited to see it visually, I especially like the idea of seeing the family through the stars in the ceiling, and the horror vibe/general creepyiness is very good Regarding the ending, I'm a little confused on the ending. I'm not sure I understand how the Time Inn works? So Dad picks the furthest star, which means that takes the longest time, so he skips the most time, but I'm confused what the son means by orbiting it. Maybe I'm just missing something, but I'm not getting it as is. I like the thematic meaning, however. That the dad's quest for excitement and adventure leads to him losing his family and his life in their pursuit. Great!
Last point, on dialogue. For most of your lines, you can trim down the sentences by a few words, so you've got more room for the art, and so it all reads a little snappier. If you want to send over a word version, I can mark it up in more detail, but as an example from page 1, panel 4: “Well, you said you wanted to stop so here we go” can just be "You wanted to stop, so here we go." Page 3 panel 5: "Well I want the farthest one away then, which one is that?" Can be "Give me the farthest one away!" Page 4 Panel 5: "Well let’s go grab some grub then hum?" can be "Let's grab some grub then" Although your dialogue in this does actually resemble human speech more accurately, cutting out filler words will sharpen this up and make it all read more smoothly.
Hope this helps! Great vibe, really excited to see this come to life. Dave

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