#8PgChallenge – STEP 2 – Feedback + Plotting

8-Page Challenge Forums Creator Challenge – 8-Page Challenge for NYCC 2020 #8PgChallenge – STEP 2 – Feedback + Plotting

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    • #405
      BuddyScalera
      Keymaster

      Creators,

      Great work on Step 1 of the #8PgChallenge. Thank you for sharing your ideas. There are some really smart, creative people participating!

      Action Item: Solicit feedback & plot your story to 8 pages
      Deadline: April 19

      Feedback
      This week, you’ll solicit feedback. I suggest feedback from three people. No more, no less. 
      You can (and should) look to fellow creators on these boards for feedback. Use the forums for open discussion, so that everyone is watching the process. That can be one of your sources.

      I also encourage you to get external feedback as well. Don’t just ask someone who will tell you that it’s great. Seek out people who have experience with storytelling and critical creative feedback. 

      Some of you have asked about paid feedback. For some of you, that may be useful. I encourage you to think about what will be most beneficial for you and your professional growth. 

      Personally, I have found it helpful to get professional feedback and guidance, so I’ve spent money developing my skills as a writer. That’s just me. Your mileage may vary.
      Two of the people involved with this project run paid consulting services. If you want to explore your options:
      https://www.comicscoach.com/ 
      https://mywritinghero.com/

      There are others. Work with them directly, as you wish. 

      Plot
      This week, you will also break down the story into the 8 pages. I will work on a post to show you what it looks like.
      But, as you can expect, it’s pretty simple. 

      Page 1: This happens.
      Page 2: That happens.
      Page 3: The other thing happens.
      Etc…

      You may want to print the side-by-side guide from this post, so you know your facing pages:
      https://www.comicbookschool.com/page-numbering-facing/  

      You can mix feedback and plot in this stage. We have built in several rounds of revisions and feedback. (Don’t worry.)

      The most important thing is to do the work. Don’t overthink it. You know comics. You can do this. 

      Buddy Scalera

    • #409
      Andrés Briano
      Participant

      Writers colleagues out there. I offer my review/feedback of your Springboard/Plot in exchange for the same service with mine. Quid pro quo. Who’s up for it?

    • #410
      RickestRick
      Participant

      Andrés that sounds good to me, thank you.

    • #412
      Doug Wood
      Participant

      I am in with you two. Just need one more…

    • #426
      Kris Burgos
      Participant

      Count me in on that same offer!!

    • #428

      Here’s my plot:

      Page 1- Black Ice enters the bank with an icy explosion.

      Page 2- Black Ice freezes the security guards then heads for the safe.

      Page 3- Lavatasha flies in the bank making an entrance.

      Page 4- Black Ice shoots a blast of ice at her and Lavatasha counters with a blast of lava causing a clash.

      Page 5- Black Ice’s blast overpowers Lavatasha’s blast. Then he shoots more ice blasts at her causing her to fly in order to dodge them.

      Page 6- Lavatasha flies towards Black Ice and knocks him out with a flame-propelled kick to the face.

      Page 7- Some unthawed security guards handcuff Black Ice as Lavatasha uses her heat to unthaw the last of them.

      Page 8- Lavatasha flies away with a smile.

    • #430
      Matthew Timpanelli
      Participant

      Looking for feedback. contact me at psysci@gmail.com so we can set up a time and method for sharing/communication

    • #431

      Here’s some feedback:


      @toddmatthy

      I’m a huge pro wrestling fan, so I’m very interested in your Crusher Christian story. Crusher treating the business like it’s real reminds me of how Bret Hart was. Maybe you could do something similar to the Montreal Screwjob. If you do, I recommend looking at the Dark Side of the Ring documentary about it for inspiration.


      @thesurrealari

      Your character reminds me of Mr. Incredible, and it wouldn’t surprise me if you got inspiration from him. This sounds like a more adult version of that character, and if you’re looking for more inspiration for the comedic aspect of your character, I would suggest looking to Saitama from One Punch Man since both he and Mr. Stupendous are powerful characters with “human” problems.


      @evolver

      Your story sounds exciting. It sounds like an action scene from a movie or even a video game. I’d like to know more about Newt and his powers. Maybe you reveal more about each of the characters through dialogue which each of us may still be working on for our own stories, but I suggest revealing more information about your story’s characters in some way.

    • #435
      Todd Matthy
      Participant

      Hey guys, I’m looking for feedback and will gladly return the favor. Message me or email at todd.matthy@gmail.com

    • #436
      Todd Matthy
      Participant

      I know I submitted a couple of ideas so just pick the one you like best and tell me what you think.

    • #437
      Todd Matthy
      Participant

      @victord2 Hi Victor, Your idea is a lot of fun. However, it seems like a lot for an 8 page story. Have you thought about putting the focus squarely on Apex Prime and near the end of the story with an exhausted Apex, having to accomplish his final task?

      Hope this helps.


      @mrkylerose
      Hi Kyle, I like your idea. It’s very Twilight Zone/2000 ADish. Have you thought about having Future Abigail confront Past Abigail? The story feels a little open ended, unless that’s your intent.


      @gdawkins2
      Hey George, thanks for the feedback. I took a look at Coldcash. You have a fun idea but I feel like its missing something. Have you thought about having Black Ice and Lavatasha be in cahoots or have a past with each other?

    • #440
      A. A. Rubin
      Moderator

      @georgedawkins Thank you for the feedback., Yes, there is some influence from Mr. Incredible, in the type of hero and the form of the name, but Mr. Stupendous differs from Mr. Incredible in a number of key ways: First, the tone is quite different, as Mr. Stupendous is more sarcastic and satirical (The name was chosen to play off the Mr. Incredible archetype, but with something completely absurd, that also happens to start with the same letter as the most famous Super Hero). Mr. Stupendous is also at a different life stage than Mr. Incredible. Stupendous is married, but that is his only family. The focus is mainly on him, with the relationship with the wife att he beginning and the end underpinning the tension. Mr. Incredible has a whole family and, The Indredibles is more of an ensemble piece. I think this is appropriate given that Mr. Stupendous is an 8-page comic not a full-length feature film.

      The One-Punch Man comp is interesting. A number of people have recommended it to me in various unrelated contexts. I will definitely have to check it out.

    • #441
      Zammap
      Participant

      I wanna be that weirdo who gives feed back for EVERYONE. Even if it’s just stating my impression lol

      Started already in the Step 1 Thread, but I will continue in here. Also figured out how to tag people XD

      @Rakeem Nelson : I really like how there is a solid plot here. Only issue I have is with the ending. Like, wouldn’t Vanessa have noticed something as large as a bow gone missing? And even if you did change it to something smaller she was already in the room before, hanging out and drinking for a while. It could have very well fallen off then and the possibility of her being innocent is open.

      @Kyle Rose: Whoa, that’s very fast pased and I’m wondering how all that is going to fit in eight pages.

      @Kris Burgos : It’s very interesting and good that you already have a visual style set up for it (as that will be doing have the work) but I’m left a little disappointed at the ending. I feel like it doesn’t have one at all. The pay off at this point is to have some really epic looking monsters revealed but you don’t really get to know if they win the last fight. If anything an emasphine will have to be made that the girl is scared and weak so that when she stands up at the end it’s more impactful.

      @K S : I know this is part of a bigger story but as a stand a lone short it really just makes me ask a lot of questions. Like, why are they jumping around and using up fuel? Who are they? Where do they and their tech come from? Where are they now? Where do they go? Why another cliff hanger to what seems like the conclusion of another cliff hanger? How will these questions be addressed in this short? Why should the reader care about all this? Without this information the reader wont be invested in why all that stuff is happening.


      @BuddyScalera
      : Oh no, gonna talk down on Buddy. Help me. Oh wait, this is really solid. I think it would be funny if the person turns out to be a hero, who is also under disguise (which is why they accidentally ended up looking like the villain without knowing, since it was before his time) and the reason why the “villain” was acting dodgy was being he was eye balling Crisis thinking HE was another villain based on his disguise. LOL In general it reminds me a lot of japanese live action hero shows. They do the silliest stuff while being totally serious about it.

      @John Ashton Golden : I am big fan of the “quest for home” concepts. LOL Sometimes they can be very thin and just a way to explore fun concepts and imagery with no real plot or character development (and get away with it), but sometimes, like in your long form case, can be a solid story. I see that you have a good over all set up and even a good quick way to introduce the concept/story so we get right into the action, but there are still so many details that need to be filled in, and you don’t have much time! And considering there are a lot of stories that follow this model those details are what’s going to be the most important part of YOUR story and what will set it apart from all the others.

      Perhaps for “time’s” sake get rid of the flash back intro from Robby’s POV and start instead with the parents and the investigator. That scene will tell us the same information (that he is missing, and the town he’s from) and will save you a page. That way the parent scene will also not interrupt the main action. It will also flow well that the investigator might know what’s going on and then to see what IS going on.

      If this fleshes out nicely and the details make it stand out I might consider illustrating this one.

      @Victor Dandridge : I really like the ending. In fact, I noticed, the ending is what really makes or breaks these stories. But it also hangs a little on tone. Depending on how it’s pulled off it could be serious, or it could be comedic.

      @Mike Sangregorio : This is a really great idea but I’m concerned how all of that is going to fit on the eight pages as well as conveying what is going on (visually or through though bubbles).

      @Jarrod Elvin : Finally a story featuring babes- I mean, yeah this works. I normally don’t want to see stories about stuff that reminds readers about the real virus but this is taking it to such an extreme fantasy edge that it works. But it really does feel like a comic that is going to be heavily dependent on the artwork (which I see is what you are going to be doing). And of course, that’s the fun punny ending that I always find works.

      @Leon Skograv : Very wholesome and simple. Wondering what kind of tone you will go for.

      @Doug Wood : If this story is about a prison for super villains why not up the elements to match. Instead of drugs why not something more sci-fi or super? You know, just to make things more creative.

      • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by Zammap.
    • #444
      Zammap
      Participant

      Okay, apparently I still don’t know how to tag people with spaces in their names properly @_@

      @Samuel Barber : I really like this story idea. Like there is a lot behind the characters but the set up allows the reader to understand and “catch up” in order for them to enjoy what is going on. There might be a lot of dialog in the first page or two compared to the action pages, but the relaxed environment of the bar should works to not bore the reader. But with such a set up I’m concerned if there will be enough pages left for the fight.

      @Matthew Timpanelli : This kinda reminds me of the movie Brazil. Aside from the fine details, also wondering how the story will conclude.

      Okay, I think I’m done for now. lol
      I already got the general plot laid out for the eight pages, but want to have my husband go into them and add the fine details. Like, I know the main action in our story is a fight that ends in death but I would rather he write out what exactly happens. We also started to talk about the style I would be drawing it in. Originally I was going to make this into an animation, so in my head it was going to be a rather simple cartoony style, but he’s right, this is a comic, so I can do a more realistic style. Pretty much any style.

      So far I have seen at least two stories form here that I would be interested in drawing for, but we will see how it all develops. :O

      Still don’t know how to end my super hero story. It might just die off and give me less work to do. XD

    • #452
      Sathem
      Participant

      @zammap

      I like both your story ideas, the first one has a very clear and solid theme with life growing from death, though it doesn’t really go deeper than that with making me care for the wizard character. Is the wizard using magic in himself to grow the plant after his death? As in was he imbibed with the magic to help the plant grow and dying was part of his plan? Or is he desperate and fights thinking he is the worlds last chance? What is the goblins motivation? If they leave his body where it is to grow a plant it can’t be to eat him unless he takes them all out with him. They could be fighting over a spring, if this is in a desert, water would be really sought after.

      The superhero one is much tougher, it gives me the feeling of being a metaphor for a lot of different conditions, from trans kids not being able to play sports or kids who have ADHD being really good with grades but suffering for it. I think if you had a clearer idea what the parallel you’re drawing is it might click better for you. You can end it with him playing with kids not for a team but just for fun, or coming up with ways to weigh him down to level the playing field and confronting the school about letting him play? You didn’t specify what powers he has and figuring that out would help you figure out your story.

    • #453
      Rakeem Nelson
      Participant

      plot: In this noir-like tale, a young detective is given the case of her elementary school career when a client goes to her with proof of the lunchtime bandit

      Page 1: Susie wakes up and finds herself tied to a chair
      Page 2: Flashback, Susie is cleaning her office
      Page 3: Vanessa and Henry walk into Susie’s office
      Page 4: Susie is investigating serval leads
      Page 5: Present, Henry walks out of the shadows
      Page 6: Henry explains his plan
      Page 7: Teacher discovers the kids in the darkroom
      last page: upon returning to her office, Susie finds that it’s raided. a small hair bow is on the floor.

    • #454
      RickestRick
      Participant

      @Zammap Thank you for reading!

      My intent is that most of what I wrote will be background for the artist, the actual story itself has 4 beats which I feel can be communicated over 8 pages. They are that Sy is regularly in ridiculous situations, realizes he’s fictional after the relationship is removed, tries to end his existence, and then succeeds only to be realize he has denied himself what he actually wanted. Much of what will fill in-between these points can be shown with smaller, individual shots on the page, based on what the artist is interested in drawing. My hope is that the story will have the sometimes disorienting feel of having to begin a game again.

      Please let me know if this does not address everything or if there is anything else you notice. The feedback is appreciated!

    • #455
      Matthew Timpanelli
      Participant

      @zammap : “This kinda reminds me of the movie Brazil. Aside from the fine details, also wondering how the story will conclude.”

      Hmm i hadn’t noticed that but I am a big fan of Terry Gilliam and I will make sure to rewatch Brazil to make sure this isn’t really just me unconsciously recreating that. It very well may be…

      The end of the story will convey that the dream world is more real than the tangible world.

    • #456
      BuddyScalera
      Keymaster

      Dear @zammap, thank you for all of the feedback you are giving to people. That’s great community spirit!

      It’s also a great way for you to (a) study everyone’s idea in a critical way to learn from it and (b) forge relationships with the community by connecting with a meaningful, professional conversation.

      Also, thanks for the feedback on my story idea. I may make some changes to make it a double twist. I want to have a nice punchline at the end, so I need to think about the best way to end it.

    • #458
      RickestRick
      Participant

      @MatthewTimpanelli and @zammap Off topic, I know, but Brazil is one of my favorite films of all time. Everyone should watch it!

      • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by RickestRick.
      • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by RickestRick.
    • #462
      Kris Burgos
      Participant

      @Zammap
      Totally appreciate the feedback and I know at this phase it’s still relatively hard to hand out with just simple bones and nothing really showing meat on them to get clarification. One of the things I’m glad you pointed out is that in the concept I didn’t make clear the contrast between the girl and the warrior’s attitudes and how they’ll change. Gunnar will be coming more from the position that the girl is a burden an will hinder his survival whereas the girl just looks at him as a away out. By the end, she’s the one stepping up to protect him and he’s pretty much at peace that he’s going to die. In the scripting I’ll definitely note to make their positions clear.

      As for your ideas… I’m with @thesurrealari, and think your first concept lends to this project very well if you end up using it. I think it’ll be interesting to see someone doing whatever he can to defend something and in the end, despite “losing” he still wins. Almost like its the final seed to the survival of everything and even though he doesn’t get to see it bloom, he saves it. If you go in that direction, the importance of the seed has to be clear and the lengths the wizard goes through have to be far… like John Wick far.

      Oooh, what if you had a badass wizard, “Wohn Jick” that goes postal on the goblins invading his palace using mystical weaponry and double taps… Lol. (ignore me, sometimes I’m stupid)

      Thanks again!

      • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by Kris Burgos.
    • #464
      Todd Matthy
      Participant

      @zammap Thank you for your feedback. I really like the story about the super powered boy and the baseball team. I think it’s relevant today because apparently there are kids getting thrown out of little league for being “too good.” An idea for the ending could be that he meets a soldier or boxer who teaches him to “throw his punches” or hold back so he can enjoy the little things in life.

    • #465
      Todd Matthy
      Participant

      @joelbarker You had me at depressed monkey and homicidal squirrel. Definitely has an “Odd Couple” vibe to it. The only thing I’d add is who initiates the first conversation and the recepiant’s reaction.

    • #468
      Zammap
      Participant

      Any excuse to re watch Brazil is a good excuse.

    • #469
      Sathem
      Participant

      I got some feedback from a friend and here’s my breakdown!

      Paradiso

      Page 1: wide shot of the expedition, the jungle is alien and wild
      there is a clear division between the boffers and the grunts
      Samander hitches a ride on the side of the burden-beast
      The boffers sneer at her and the grunts have a good-natured envy

      Page 2: A brief rest means Samander starts peeling vegetables
      the procession is started up again, disrupting Samander
      they travel though a tree-tunnel
      and emerge and discover a tomb

      Page 3: Samander distributes lunch, the boffers are discussing translations
      The grunts are discussing curses
      They are shot down and told it has been 50 years since sapient life went extinct

      Page 4: The seal is broken and Samander is picked (forced) to go along
      they come across a big chamber with a river, an island in the center
      on the island lies a ‘corpse’

      Page 5: the man is still alive

      Page 6: the boffers discuss the man
      samander brings him a meal which he denies so she sits with him to eat it
      he monologues at her and decides he likes her

      Page 7: Samander wakes and everyone is gone
      She leaves the tomb to the scene of a massacre

      Page 8: the man finishes eating from the crew and introduces himself
      He decides Samander will be his companion and will lend credibility to their rescue
      she decides why the hell not because she was taking shit jobs anyway

    • #470

      @philipspace

      I like how your story idea blends characters from different time periods. I only suggest being careful not to make the story confusing since time travel can be confusing and mixing different time periods can be risky.

    • #471
      Andrés Briano
      Participant

      Right, I have provided feedback over private messages. I’m still waiting on some of those writers to hit me back. 🙂

      Here’s the plotting of my own story.

      TWILIGHT OF THE GODS PROPHECY
      Characters: The Elf General, the Dwarf General, the Orc General, the Goblin General and the legendary beast Gunungwangi.

      PLOT:
      P1: The generals of two great armies at war attend a negotiation in the middle of a bloody battlefield. On one side, an army of Orcs and Goblins, who have called for the momentary truce. On the other, one of Dwarves and Elves.
      The reason for the truce is that the Orcs have learnt that this legendary beast that has been decimating their people is not working for the other army as they originally thought. They have learnt (from a prisoner of war) that the same beast is also massacring Elves and Dwarves.
      The Elf General asks who the prisoner of war was, but he is ignored by the enemy.

      P2: The Dwarf General recounts their prophecy called The Twilight of the Gods, where a gigantic beast is the herald of the end of times. The Orcs propose that both armies work together to slaughter the creature. And Dwarves and Elves agree, but with the condition that the prisoner of war that has been tortured is released.
      The POW was the Elf General’s 12 year-old daughter, and he does get her back… at least a part of her (the severed head). The thirst for blood does not prevent both armies from working together, but in secret, the Elf General and his Dwarf counterpart plan to betray and slaughter all Orcs as soon as the beast is killed.

      P3: It is decided to join the skills of each race to create a magical weapon like no other seen before. It will be forged by the Dwarves, using fire provided by the Orcs and iron ore provided by the Goblins, and the Elves would grant it magical powers.

      P4: This magnificent weapon (which is a mixture between a catapult and a crossbow that fires a metal arrow the size of a minibus) starts to be forged.

      P5: The weapon is finally done and all soldiers stand together for one last fight.

      P6: The beast shows up. The weapon is fired at it.

      P7: But the arrow bounces off the beast’s skin without even scratching it. [All is lost feeling] And then, just as the prophecy predicts, before the end of times, the day turns suddenly into night.

      P8: The warriors look up. What they see is not easily recognizable for them, or the reader. It is the sole of an All-Stars sneaker that is coming down on them. The foot lifts up after having squished a cockroach on the lawn. Because of a matter of scale, this gigantic Gunungwangi was nothing more than a garden variety cockroach. And the tribes that were battling it, were merely millimeters tall.

    • #472
      philipspace
      Participant

      @andresbriano
      I think that your story is well-described, and will lend itself well to visual interpretation. I would suggest however toning down the treatment of your POW for two reasons;

      The first being that your Generals already have ample reason to dislike each other (being on opposing sides of the field and all), if you have one handing the other the severed head of his daughter, then you’ve just set up additional motivation for enmity with no real payoff by the end of your story. Unless Elf General is plunging his dagger into the back of his daughter’s murderer before the end of the story, the scene has no real purpose.

      Secondly, you’ve got a fairly lighthearted twist ending with an extremely gruesome visual early on in the story. Speaking as a person who’s fairly sensitive to depictions of violence against children, if you want to put that in your story that’s entirely up to you, but I know that I as a reader have checked out of continuing your story by that point. Besides, it’s really inconsistent with the tone of your finale’.

      My recommendation would be to have your POW be one of the captured soldiers from the Elf army, you can spare or kill them if you like, but from a tonal perspective it makes more sense. From an artists perspective, since you’re going to want your armies to have differing visual themes it gives your artist an opportunity to reinforce the uniform/helmet of the Elf army, and visual repetition is good. You give the reader a chance to get a bit more grounded in the story before the end.

      • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by philipspace.
    • #476
      Rakeem Nelson
      Participant

      @Sathem, I love the idea of the massacre at the end, but can you clarify if this is the initial crew. If so, I hope you provide some foreshadowing if it was the Grunts or the Boffers who started the conflict. Maybe the man’s monologue saves her from the same fate.


      @AndresBriano
      , your story is hilarious. My only comment is to watch out for overstuffing a page with the backstory and possibly have the artist throw in some oversize ordinary objects in the background to foreshadow the ending but not give it away.

    • #478
      Rakeem Nelson
      Participant

      @Sathem, I look at the plot summary and I have a better understanding of your story so disregard my previous comments. My only comment is that you really need to hammer home a reason why this vampire feels a connection with the main character. This way her being spared doesn’t feel cheap.

    • #479
      Sathem
      Participant

      @rakeemnelson

      Thanks for the feedback! I wanted to be very much like a classic vampire despite not looking at all like one and deciding things on a whim is very much a vampire trait, since letting someone live and keeping them with you like a pet is as heady a wine as draining them. At least in my mythos it is! She will be the only one who really acknowledges and listens to him and he enjoys having an audience and companion and picked her for being a bit of an outcast, as well as the other reasons I mentioned.

    • #481
      Kris Burgos
      Participant

      No Shelter Page Breakdown

      Setting: ~950AD; Viking Town in the Forest, on a River
      Time of day: About 30 minutes before SUNSET
      Characters/Growth:
      Gunnar – A Viking Warrior (Cares about self survival → Kaia’s survival & Accepts fate)
      Kaia – 8 yr old Viking girl (Cares for herself → Cares for Gunnar)

      Page 1
      – The SUN lingers above a mountaintop in the distance
      – GUNNAR hides in the shadows between a cart and some crates; he’s in rough shape;
      – He thinks about having to get out of the town before his people destroy it
      – Gunnar sees a small HAND in the distance, reach out from the shadows of a house and grab an apple in the dirt
      – He gets up to investigate

      Page 2
      – Gunnar sneaks through the shadows, hiding from the monsters off-panel
      – Gunnar enters the house

      Page 3 – Gunnar meets KAIA, eating the apple & defending herself with a KNIFE
      – Gunnar & Kaia discuss her survival & the town’s fate
      – Gunnar plans their escape: a suicide run through the open meadow between the town and the forest
      – The sun is CLOSER to setting behind the mountain

      Page 4
      – Gunnar decides to increase their chances by stopping at the Armorer’s shop
      – They leave the safety of the house
      – Gunnar and Kaia slink through the shadows

      Page 5
      – More hiding through the shadows, avoiding monsters, Gunnar always stands protective of Kaia as she points the way
      – A MONSTER notices them enter the Armorer’s shop
      – The sun has REACHED the mountain and is half set behind it

      Page 6
      – Gunnar arms himself with a new SHIELD and AXE
      – A monster creeps into the house
      – Gunnar decapitates the monster; Kaia warns Gunnar of a second monster behind him
      – Second monster dives onto Gunnar smashing them both through the wall of the house outside

      Page 7
      – Gunnar fights monster on his back, shield between them, screaming for Kaia to run
      – The shield cracks as Gunnar shows despair, Kaia’s knife lands in the ground next to him
      – Gunnar grabs the knife and slams it into the side of the monsters head
      – Kaia helps Gunnar upright with new weapons at their feet
      – The sun is GONE behind the mountain and DUSK has arrived

      Page 8
      – Kaia stands ready, sword in hand, to defend Gunnar
      – Creatures come out of the shadows surrounding them
      – Gunnar rests his hand on her shoulder and points upward, beyond the creatures
      – Flaming arrows streak through the air, mixing with the stars in the sky, coming down on them

    • #485
      philipspace
      Participant

      @krisburgos Question, is the intended impression that the arrows are raining down on Gunnar and Kaia, or possibly saving them? Or just totally ambiguous?

    • #486
      philipspace
      Participant

      @gdawkins2

      As far as your plot synopsis goes, at this point it seems a little too straightforward. Black Ice shows up, tries to rob a bank, Lavatasha shows up and ruins Black Ice’s day, ending with police arrival post-battle, Lavatasha flies off, the end. The question that you might want to explore is; why was Lavatasha in the area in the first place? Was she making a deposit at the bank, or had she been stalking Black Ice? Do they have some sort of connection that would link them? Maybe he’s someone she knows or cares about (or fears, or loathes), that kind of thing. These don’t have to be really involved, just enough to provide some rationale for the reader to follow.

      The story can’t be just the things that happen, it has to be the ”why” those things are happening, your characters reasons for doing what they do. Black Ice might just be a super-powered bully, or maybe he feels like he’s justified somehow in his attempts at larceny. Jack Kirby always tried to imagine each of his characters having a background, a family, a secret want or desire. Essentially, like real people.

      • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by philipspace.
    • #488
      Andrés Briano
      Participant

      @philipspace
      Thanks for taking the time to read, think and reply. What you say makes sense. I don’t exactly agree with everything you say, but I am grateful that you took the time to explain your thoughts. 🙂


      @RakeemNelson

      I would be afraid to give away the ending by throwing oversized objects… but the tempation is strong…!

    • #491
      K S
      Participant

      @gdawkins2 thanks for the feedback! I received some good ideas from personal feedback I received about how to better develop the characters through dialog.

    • #493
      Kris Burgos
      Participant

      @philipspace
      I’ve thought a lot about the ending and honestly, I like the ambiguity of it. Are they going to get out alive? Are the arrows going to save them? Honestly, it doesn’t matter if they get out. The story unfolds from Gunnar’s POV, so the reader will know his thought process and see him thinking as a man, he’s not ready to die, which is why he’s furiously running, but he’s also a Viking Warrior whose greatest honor should be to die in battle and reach Valhalla. So, he’s torn and not sure he’s ready for it.

      Also in the back of his head, the knows arrows are going decimate everything in the town. Him and the girl included. Leading to a not-so-glorious death and meaning Valhalla ain’t opening the gates for him. So the end is about his decision to not let his situation dictate how he goes down and what matters is his acceptance of the opportunity for a Viking’s greatest honor. So he’s going to fight while immersed in flame.

      • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by Kris Burgos.
    • #496
      A. A. Rubin
      Moderator

      One thing that I would like to suggest is that people present specific questions/issues along with their ideas about which they’d like feedback. Just looking at the discussion, I think this would help people get feedback that is more useful for themselves. A good example is @buddyscalera ‘s post in the pitch thread. His post tells us that he is unsure about the ending, so our feedback, naturally, would focus on that aspect of his pitch. I’m seeing a lot of back-and-forth here, but I think framing your ideas with questions or requests for specific feedback will help mitigate the issue of the type of “thank you, but” reaction I’m seeing a lot of.

      From Buddy’s initial post, for reference:

      In the end, he must make a decision: Attack or let the villain get away. But the real twist is when the villain approaches him to say that he knows that Crisis has been watching him. Crisis is ready to fight when he realizes that the guy wasn’t the villain at all.

      He was either (a) a minor hero who came and went, (b) a guy who was a villain, but not the one that Crisis thought, or (c) something else. Not sure what the final twist is, so I’ll need to work that out. Needs to be funny.”

    • #500
      Kyle Rose
      Participant

      @toddmatthy Thanks for the feedback. I’m glad you got the twilight zone vibe, that’s exactly what I was going for! I need to think about your suggestion a bit. To clarify when you say “past and future” Abigail, do you mean the 5 min difference or the 100-year difference?


      @zammap
      Thanks for your feedback. It is fast very fast-paced. I’m thinking the framing elements are going to be only a few pages and most of it will be in the future, but I may have to trim some of the middle a bit and imply things happen “off-panel”.

      Also, @thesurrealari I’d love to hear your feedback as well.

    • #501
      Kyle Rose
      Participant

      Here is some feedback for a few people. Hope this helps:


      @gdawkins2

      I really like the fire vs ice elemental nature of your characters. Have you thought about how this contrast can also manifest in additional ways? Ex: is there something about their personalities that’s in opposition, or maybe the way they speak? Also, this sounds like a really fun action-packed story. I look forward to seeing it come to life.


      @thesurrealari

      I LOVE the idea of exploring how a superhero can maintain their secret identity in a world where everyone has a broadcast studio in their pocket. I read it and immediately had one of those “why haven’t I thought of that” moments. It’s a profound concept that is relevant in a world where our privacy seems to be for sale to the highest bidder. Have you explored the deeper ramifications of this paradigm? For example, how does this relate to the hero’s culpability? Even if they manage to keep their identity a secret, will citizens want to hold them accountable for any damage they may cause etc? There are obvious parallels to the police-involved shootings, and pushing that connection could be really interesting. The ‘family man’ element works really well too. All and all, this seems like a really great modern spin on the traditional superhero genre.


      @psy-sci

      Your core concept is really strong. It feels very ‘Fight Club.’ The idea of questioning reality and slipping between dream and reality states is going to be really fun to play with. The pitch you have here seems more like an overview for a larger body of work, so I’m wondering what the 8-page version is going to be? Are you just doing one of these dream cycles for the 8-pager, or are you trying to fit the whole thing in 8 pages? The latter may be a little challenging. I also like the idea of switching tones between the waking and dream states, this feels like an excellent opportunity to subvert the reader’s expectations.

    • #504
      Todd Matthy
      Participant

      Here is the plot to the first of my stories. Reply here or privately at todd.matthy@gmail.com.

      “Respect”

      By Todd Matthy

      PAGE ONE

      Crusher Christian walks into a VFW Hall. He is thinking about how the wrestling business has changed from when he broke in. He thinks about having to eat at different restaurants from his opponents or how if he lost a bar fight he’d be fired. He says today’s generation don’t have respect for the business. Like the man he’s wrestling tonight, Sleazy Steve.

      PAGE TWO

      Crusher thinks about Sleazy Steve and how he’s “exposing” the business with blatantly fake moves like his “pelvusplex.” Crusher says guys like him would be beaten out of the business in his day. “Hey Crusher,” Sleazy Steve calls and asks him to come into a room.

      PAGE THREE
      Crusher sits down at a card table with Steve and the matchmaker. Steve says that while he was angered by Crusher’s comments on Twitter about his pelvusplex, some of his comments were out of line. “In the end it led to this match,” Steve smiles. Crusher sits silently. Steve says that he and the booker have decided that he’ll go over Crusher and take the pelvusplex. Crusher groans but Steve goads him into it by saying Crusher always did what was “best for business.” Crusher nods and leaves, thinking that Steve wouldn’t know what’s best for business if it hit him in the face.

      PAGE FOUR
      Crusher changing in the locker room. Wrestlers look on wondering whether or not he’ll take the pelvusplex. He overhears Steve talking with a couple of wrestlers about a new Youtube video he’s making where he goes to “Wrestler’s Court” for “killing the business.” Crusher remembers that Wrestler’s Court was where wrestlers settled their differences so they could continue working together without problems. Crusher decides to teach Sleazy Steve a lesson, as he steps through the curtain for their match.

      PAGE FIVE
      Sleazy Steve and Crusher Christian lock up and trade moves. The referee whispers it’s time for them to “go home” so Steve puts Crusher’s hand in his crotch to set up the pelvusplex. Crusher doesn’t go for it. He crushes Steve’s crotch with his hand. “Time to learn respect…”

      PAGE SIX
      Crusher starts beating up Steve for real by throwing elbows, kicks, and trapping him in a sleeper hold. He lectures Steve about how this is what wrestling was really like back in his day. How he and Bruno wrestled until it was time for the finish. He tells Steve that if he wants to win he has to earn it…by any means necessary.

      PAGE SEVEN

      Sleazy Steve hits a low blow on Crusher and rolls him up into a cradle for the three count. Crusher tells him he has good instincts and if he wants to learn how to wrestle, he knows where to find him.

      PAGE EIGHT

      One Week Later: Sleazy Steve shows up at Crusher’s wrestling school. Crusher smiles. “Hope for you yet boy…”

    • #505
      A. A. Rubin
      Moderator

      @mrkylerose: I appreciate the kind words about my idea. I hope I don’t disappoint, as there is only so much I will be able to get to within the 8 pages. It will be sort of like a pilot, which has to hint at the the possibilities (if it continues) while still making sense within the short story presented here.

      As for your time travel story, I like the plotting. The circular narrative is tight, and the thing has an internal continuity that will work well in this short form. There are a lot of potential land mines with time travel and I think that going with the really tight plot will get you past most of them. It’s important to keep the action going, as there are always paradoxes.

      The question I have is what you’re going to do to differentiate your story from other time travel loops: Is this going to be a character-focused piece, where the mc’s story is what holds are attention, or are you going to add some of the cool bells and whistles associate with the time-travel genre? I would keep it character-focused, but it’s your story and there are advantages and disadvantages either way.

      Some interesting takes on the time-travel genre that work in short-form include the Peter Capaldi Doctor Who episode about the bootstrapper paradox, and the Alan Moore Time Twisters tale, Chronocops!, which appeared in 2000AD.

    • #506
      Matthew Timpanelli
      Participant

      Here is my 8pg Plot.

      Parasomnia by Matthew Timpanelli

      Page 1: Open mid dream. A man paralyzed in his bed hearing howls in the distance getting closer. He makes out a voice calling to him. His fear is crippling and gets so intense as he makes out apparitions coming closer and closer and he wakes up sweating profusely. With the words echoing in his mind from the voice calling him “We are in this together.”

      Page 2: Earlier that day… You see an empty stage as the spotlights go out. The audience can only make out a slight reflection from a microphone stand and a shadowy figure blending into the darkness. A man recites a poem… Each line is accompanied by random flashbacks of the man’s life. Each scene represents a moment which the man is socializing with others. The poem conveys that each interaction was forced and ingenuine.

      Page 3: Flash forward to the man going home after the event, laying down in bed reflecting as you see ghosts peeking out of the shadows in the corners and crevices of the room. You then see the man asleep in bed and visibly struggling. The man begins to sweat as you faintly see the form of a woman reaching out to him from the ceiling. “Don’t be afraid” … You then see a close up of the man’s eyes open.

      Page 4: The next day the man is struggling at work in the coffee shop as he hasn’t gotten any sleep the night before. Taking orders from people and writing their names incorrectly on cups. Later, on break his co-worker/friend asks him if he’s ok because he seems like he’s “not all there”. “Just haven’t gotten much sleep is all. Don’t really want to be here today, or ever for that matter.” His mind drifts off as the panel fast forwards to after work as he’s in the same position as before with his same friend from work. His friend is now talking about his performance the previous night. “Man you really killed it last night. We were all talking about it when you left. You shoulda stuck around. Where did you go?”

      Page 5: in bed again and you see an ominous figure hovering him as hes drifting off. Zoom in as you see his eyes close. He opens them and he is in another world. Fire is billowing around him in the distance and he is in some sort of labyrinth. He turns around and a woman takes his hand “stay with me, this way” She points down the pathway with her giant sword. As they attempt to move the man is held back by a flying demon. The woman turns and swings her sword, the demon evades the attack and grabs her hair twisting her head around and the man wakes up suddenly in his bed again. He sits up quickly as he opens his eyes and sees a long strand of hair floating and slowly falling. He reaches up to catch it in his hand and he hears “it’s ok. I’m with you”

      Page 6: He gets up and walks over to his studio where he takes out his watercolor paints and begins to paint the scene from his dream. He begins to draw the woman’s face and he hears her voice again. “We are in this together.”

      Page 7: The next day he visits his sister. Her clothing suggests she’s into new age philosophy. They are walking in the woods in a park and he’s explaining his weird dreams to her. She talks about Jungian philosophy and archetypes and tries to interpret his dream. He is fatigued and a bit crazed. The insomnia is taking its toll on his psyche. He takes his hand off his head and turns around and sees a woman pass by and hears “i’m with you”. His sister goes on to say he needs rest and he turns to look but the woman that passed is no longer there. “Did you just…” he begins to say but stops himself and says “nevermind”.

      Page 8: The man and his friends are at the coffee shop sitting and chatting. He is somewhere else in his mind seeing visions of demons and ghosts from his dreams as his friends chat together. One of his friends is scrolling on their phone and turns to the other to show something they found. “Hey man check it out your viral.” He looks to see a video of his performance from the other night on youtube. Entitled “the man who isnt there” Cut to a different phone showing the same video and then you see the person viewing it resembles the woman from his dreams. She puts her phone down and reflects on what she’s seen and you see in the corners of her room ghosts creeping out and the shadow of a flying demon outside her window.


      @mrKylerose
      Thanks! I have been struggling with figuring out how to make it a complete story in 8 pages. It is indeed meant to be part of a larger ongoing saga. I had similar feedback from Doug Wood.

      I believe I have addressed this however by giving enough to make it stand alone as a complete short story with the readers imagination to fill in what happens from then on.


      @zammap
      I watched Brazil again and there are definitely similarities but not so much to keep me from moving forward. I definitely have been inspired much by this film and some other Gilliam flicks like Dr Parnassus, baron von munchausen, etc… However the most inspiration for this is actually from my own life.

      I haven’t decided the main characters name. I realize I might have gone a bit into the next step with dialogue and such.

    • #508
      Samuel Barber
      Participant

      This is a rewrite based on some of the feedback. Its plotted out but not to specific pages. This is just part of my process, I hope to get this laid out per page quickly. And thanks to all those that gave me feedback, it is really appreciated.

      Red Angel Dragnet
      Primrose, Alabaaster and the Girl vs an Army of Darkness

      Rewrite: Chapter 4 – Where do we go from here?

      It’s late evening at a tavern in a small town in Italy. The bar is quiet with only a few of the locals inside relaxing and enjoying the peace. Primrose(a tall, fighter framed person with both soft and sharp features – sexually ambiguous – male or female) is keeping an eye on the surroundings and not being attentive to Alabaaster(a large framed man with ancient looks – Ethiopian) who is doing most of the talking. It’s obvious these two are comfortable here and have known each other for quite some time. Primrose knows Alabaaster always has an agenda and is suspicious of the meeting as Alabaaster remanences about their previous adventures.

      Alabaaster begins to hedge to why he has reunited with Primrose again when a group of 6 tough and hardened men and women come busting into the small tavern. Loud and intrusive, they come in not afraid of anyone and acting like they own the place. The group gets the attention of Primrose and Alabaaster. Just a few fleeting glances nothing that would need any action from our pair. As the group ramp up their good time, a young girl comes into the bar. The tavern owner obviously know the girl and gives her some food and water and tries to usher her out quickly when the “leader” of the group that came in takes an eye to the young girl (she is pretty, in her late teens early 20s, thin framed and looks as if she is poor-unkept clothes, little dirty).

      The harassment of the young girl begins to escalate with the whole gang taking part in it. Primrose, who has been watching the events very carefully, looks over to see Alabaaster already in position for a fight. As the gang decides to take the girl from the bar, they turn to see Alabaaster blocking the side exit the tavern owner was trying to get the girl to go out of earlier. Then the group hears a door bolt shut and turn to see Primrose standing at the main entrance/exit and the fight begins.

      The gang are good fighters but not good enough to beat out Primrose and Alaabaster. When our heroes subdue the 5 gang members, they turn their attention to the leader, who has been watching the fight while restraining the girl. As Primrose and Alabaaster move in on the leader, he begins to shake and shutter violently. When the movement Is finished, Primrose and Alabaaster sees the leader in his true demonic form. The leader now releases the girl to fall on the floor and turns his back on our heroes to destroy the girl. As the leader moves in on her, the girl becomes more and more terrified and begins to scream. Only this scream escalates to almost a song and begins to tear apart the demon and continues to do so until the demon is completely destroyed. The girl faints from exhaustion.

      Primrose looks at Alabaaster with a inquisitive look, Alabaaster looks back with a smirk. Primrose knows this is why Alabaaster wanted to meet in this tavern tonight. Without saying much Primrose walks over to the girl and picks her up. Alabaaster talks to the tavern owner in whispers and hands him some money for the damages and his silence. Primrose exits the tavern carrying the girl and places her in Alabaaster’s side car and hops on her bike. Alabaaster exits the tavern and gets on his bike. The two discuss the plan to take the girl to Primroses convent and discuss what to do next with the Mother Superior. Primrose puts on her habit and robe and they ride off for the next chapter.

    • #510
      K S
      Participant

      Series Title: The Unfixed Man
      Characters: Anuton (“Newton” or “Newt”) Holloway ; Saint Elaine
      Story Title: A Prince of Thieves
      Setting: A generic, run-down city

      Page 1:
      • Large splash page
      • Newt lurking with crowd, watching large religious procession coming by

      Page 2:
      • Newt observes the starving people reaching out for Saint Elaine’s procession. He is disgusted at Elaine and her people for taking advantage of the situation.
      • Newt sets off his charge and sneaks in close to the fuel tanks

      Page 3:
      • Newt, working on draining the tanks, discovers Elaine’s trap
      • Elaine hesitates a moment, just enough time for Newt to back up from the tanks
      • Newt is blown back by the device once she sets it off

      Page 4:
      • Chase/fight between Newt and golems
      Page 5:
      • Newt slips free, down an alley, followed by a flash of light
      • Golems turn down the alley, it’s a dead end and is empty.
      Page 6:
      • Clear of the golems, newt is heading home
      • He performs an act of charity. Newt finds a family with an ill child huddling over a heating grate as he makes his way home. Grumbling, he uses some of his fuel to heal the child.

      Page 7:
      • Checking his fuel gauge, Newt realizes he is worse off than before he attempted the theft.
      • Turning a corner into an alley that leads to the abandoned warehouse where he lives, he is caught fast by something; surprised/shocked.

      Page 8:
      • Large splash page
      • Caught in a web, figures lurking in the background call his name.

    • #511
      K S
      Participant

      Specifically to @zanmap ‘s comments on my story idea, I want to use information on page 1 to hint at “whats at stake” to make the scene matter, and I also want to include dialog on the final splash page for “why we should care that he gets out” As zanmap noted, this is a serial story thats part of a large ongoing narrative, so I was imagining it something like an old cowboy serial, or the old batman strips where you drop in just when action is about to happen, the action happens, and then you are left for what the next challenge is/continuation of the story.

      your comments were well received .. i’m thinking about how to do this in the frame of what I want to accomplish in the 8 pages.

    • #512
      Doug Wood
      Participant

      Series Title: Ultra Max
      Story Title: Double Turn
      Setting: Prison Cell, Prison Visitation Room

      Page One: Lee Franklin arrives outside of the prison kingpin’s cell. He is shook down by a couple of goons.
      Page Two: Lee meets the kingpin, where he receives the threat to propel him to take part in a drug heist.
      Page Three: Lee sits at visitation where he is leaned on hard by the kingpin’s men and we see the mark he is meant to rob, Bug-Eye.
      Page Four: Bug-Eye makes his way to the restroom to hide the drugs he is slipped. Lee follows closely.
      Page Five: Turns out they were not drugs, but his costume. He starts a brawl with Lee.
      Page Six: The two fight and Bug-Eye reveals he set up the whole ordeal. Lee is having trouble fighting Bug-Eye because Bug-Eye can fly
      Page Seven: Down and out Lee finds a smuggled in pen.
      Page Eight: Lee is able to trick shot the pen into Bug-Eye’s wings. Taking down Bug-Eye long enough that the guards can subdue him.

    • #514
      John Ashton Golden
      Participant

      Hey guys! Looking for some feedback from at least 3 folks on my story concept. Happy to return the favor!

    • #515
      A. A. Rubin
      Moderator

      Here is my plot. I have revised it twice based off feedback I received from some of my normal feedback partners.

      There are still a few things I’m working through (there’s another plot revision next week, and then the script, so plenty of time).

      I have posted some specific questions/issues on which I’d like feedback after the plot itself. This is the feedback that would be most helpful to me at this point in my process. It will also give you some insight into what I’m thinking Please read them and let me know what you think:

      Title: A Day In The Life Of Mr. Stupendous

      Setting: A city, possibly NYC.

      P1—Night—MR STUPENDOUS stands on a rooftop, in costume on his cell phone. He is telling someone he will be late.
      –Fight scene in which Mr. Stupendous is hit in the eye, but, ultimately, prevails.
      –Mr. Stupendous arrives home (through his window), to find his wife asleep. The clock reads “3:00AM”—Stupendous.
      P2—Same bed, same clock the alarm goes off at 6am, the first panel mirrors the last on the previous page. STUPENDOUS reaching to hit the snooze as his WIFE remains asleep.
      –Stupendous’ in his bathroom applying his wife’s makeup to cover a black eye. S/he’s running out of concealer.
      –Stupendous, in his secret identity/business attire says goodbye to his wife before going to work. As he walks down the hall, he hears her (using his super-hearing) whisper that she hope he isn’t cheating on her.
      P3—The morning commute: STUPENDOUS rushes to the subway, misses his train—“stupendous”
      –Stupendous changes into his costume and tries to fly to work, quickly, so as not to be late.
      –As he flies through the air, carrying his briefcase.
      –The sky darkens
      –It rains.
      –Closeup–Stupendous
      P4—STUPENDOUS sneaks into the office—his makeup has washed off; he looks like shit.
      –Boss tells Mr Stupendous he better have a report done by the end of the day.
      –Stupendous falls asleep at his desk (possible repeating panels where just the time on the clock changes)
      –Wakes up, it’s 4:30 (stupendous) Has to rush, using his superspeed to finish it by 5.

      P5—5:10 PM—outside the office—A distant cry for help—This looks like a job for…MR STUPENDOUS!
      –As long as he can find a phone booth to change—Oh no!, no phonebooths.
      –A series of attempts to change in various weird locations, and can’t for various reasons (a line at the restroom; a video surveillance camera in a back alley, etc)
      –He has to change in a port-a-potty—“Stupendous.”

      P6—Arriving late, because of the action on the previous page—STUPENDOUS joins a battle. Other SUPERHEROES are battling a tram of SUPEVILIANS, including the monster from P1.
      –Stupendous’ arrival turns the tide. He is in his element.
      –The heroes are victorious.
      –The other heroes ask Stupendous out for a drink to celebrate, but he refuses. He has to get home to his wife.
      –Stupendous flies off, as the other heroes make a snarky remarks as he flies away.
      P7—STUPENDOUS breaks the sound barrier, flies across the ocean to France.
      –Buys wine from a vinter in the French countryside
      –A few more globetrotting stops to get other foodstuff’s etc.
      –On cell phone to wife: meet on the roof in 30 minutes.
      P8—WIFE’s’s perspective, climbing stairs to the roof.
      –Opens door, to city roof
      –Surprise on her face…
      –As she sees, beautiful, romantic dinner he husband has set up.
      –The couple sit’s down to eat, clinks glasses (with the French wine)
      –Stupendous asks her what she thinks; she answers, “Stupendous.”

      Feedback questions:
      –Right now, the story covers approximately 24 hours of Mr. Stupendous’ life, but the action takes place over two day, from evening to evening: I am thinking of starting it with the action on P2, morning, or even just with him coming through the window to find his wife sleeping. this would open up some space later on for other things as well as keep the action confined to a single day. OTOH: I like establishing that he’s a superhero at the beginning, and the continuity of how he got his black eye, why he is so tired at work, etc is important and I think that the first page serves a purpose in the story, plus I really like the page turn between the last panel on the first page and the first panel on the second page. Thoughts?

      –There are two other areas I’m considering replacing: The first is the battle on P6. The phone booth page stands on its own. What do you think of the superhero battle? I can cut that and do a different gag there. This would be instead of cutting p1, as I think it’s important to have some superhero action in this story. The other possibility is to compress the action on the last two pages. Once he gets the wine, the other “globetrotting” stops might be redundant, although they do have some comedic potential. The action on P7-8 could be compressed into one page, leaving room for both the superhero battle and another gag.

      –Here are some things I’m considering adding: 1. More at the office, where the action might be better over more panels; 2: Add a scene during the work day where he hears a call for help, flies out the window to address it, and then returns through the window to his office (before falling asleep at his desk). 3. I would like to add something more with technology, as that seem to resonate with people here. This is a tough one, but here are some possibilities: He could see a picture of himself going into/coming out of the port-a-potty and then see it later on either his computer or the news, but I feel that this aspect may require a whole story to itself, and that there wouldn’t be room for all the needed character and situation development in the first episode. I am leaning toward making this the focus of the (potential) second story/installment, where it would get the space to fully flesh it out and give it the space it deserves. It also would have a natural connection to this story, which would link the two episodes, if the inciting incident in story two was cell phone or security footage from this story.

      –Of course, I could leave it as is as well. These are possibilities I’m thinking about. Let me know what you think.

    • #516
      jholder12
      Participant

      Hi Everyone, here is the plot for my tale “Camriddeon and the Leighman Lurkers.

      1. Establishing the town, Cam, and Pall, the boy.
      2. Play with the boy while discussing the Lurker
      3. Moving out into the woods to deal with the Lurker
      4. The new Lurker
        a. In the background, a piece of the real Lurker is shown.
      5. Camriddeon destroys the beast
      6. Cheering on the hero, the boy follows Cam back down the woods.
      7. Cam and the Lurker talk with each other, and the Lurker fades away.
      8. Last conversation with the boy, before disappearing.
        Hope you enjoy.
        Jack
    • #517
      David Shear
      Participant

      Title: The Crocus Tavern
      Written by: Lyla Katz
      Art by: David Shear
      Setting: inside a high fantasy Tavern

      Page 1: Splash page showing the characters and the exterior of the Tavern

      Page 2: We are introduced to Hana, the Tavern keeper of the Crocus Tavern and given the following exposition: Hana is overwhelmed but won’t trust just anyone to help her run the tavern.

      Page 3: Four barbarians break into the tavern and threaten Hana

      Page 4: Kei, a young hero appears to confront the Barbarians but isn’t taken seriously.

      Page 5: Kei quickly and skillfully kills the barbarian boss leaving the other three in shock but then they attack Kei

      Page 6: Kei effectively kills two other barbarians and stares down the last remaining barbarian

      Page 7: the last barbarian runs away scared and Kei drops to his knees exhausted from the fight. Hana rushes to get him a seat and some water.

      Page 8: Kei flirts with Hana and Hana offers Them a job at the tavern. Hana suddenly feels a sense of relief that she will no longer take over the task of tavern keeping alone.

    • #520
      Kyle Rose
      Participant

      Thanks, @thesurrealari I really appreciate your feedback. Thinking about your question, I feel like this is going to be a more character-driven story with a small, yet hopefully well-defined arc. However, your point about the bells and whistles is interesting. Instead of putting my spin on the mechanics of time travel, I think there could be a really interesting opportunity here to flesh out the worldbuilding in a subtle visual-only way.

      BTW I just picked up the complete Time Twisters by Moore. It’s not on comixology for some reason, but you can buy it from the kindle. No idea why since they are both owned by Amazon. Thanks for the recommendation. 🙂

    • #521
      Kyle Rose
      Participant

      Hello all,

      Here is my Page, by page breakdown. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

      The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning
      By Kyle Rose
      Plot breakdown

      Abigail’s arc: Learning to accept responsibility for her actions

      Page 1
      Establishing shot: The woods. The story opens in medias res as Abigail is stomping around the woods while monologuing to herself about an argument she had with her parents off-panel. This monologue is presented in captions that overlay her movement in this scene. Subtextually we can glean the fight was about her not accepting responsibility for her actions. She stumbles upon the time machine and falls in. It blips out of existence.

      Page 2
      In the future, the time machine appears, and Abigail tumbles out. Stunned, she starts to take in the sights around her and is noticed by a police officer (who can be seen in the background of the first panel). He approaches and questions her about the time machine.

      Page 3
      Not satisfied with Abigail’s answers, the officer (Officer Rob) says he’s arresting her for stealing the time machine. She pleads that this isn’t the case, and she has no idea how she got there. He radios into headquarters that he’s apprehended someone for temporal theft. Abigail takes this opportunity to break his grip and flee.

      Page 4
      Abigail gives chase. She puts some distance between her and Officer Rob before being spotted by pigeons wearing security cameras. Dispatch Radio’s Abigail’s position to rob.

      Page 5
      Abigail ducks behind an information kiosk, thinking she is safe. Rob finds her, and their final standoff ends practically before it begins when Abigail throws her phone at him.

      Page 6
      Abigail spots another time machine being washed by its owner. Knocking him over, she jumps inside and slams the door shut. The machine’s A.I. asks her when she wants to go. She tells it 5 minutes before she left. The A.I. scans her, gets a temporal lock, and blinks out of existence.

      Page 7
      The time machine pops back into the present. Abigail runs back to the campsite to warn herself. When she gets there, her parents tell her, ‘that was quick.” Realizing she has just missed herself, she runs back into the woods.

      Page 8
      She gets to the time machine just in time to see her ‘past self’ fall in. After witnessing the loop she’s created, she returns to the campsite. With the realization that she was indeed guilty of stealing the time machine, she apologizes to her family for not taking responsibility for her earlier transgression.

    • #524
      John Ashton Golden
      Participant

      Here we go! Basic plotting for my story:

      ROBBY BEYOND: 8 PAGER

      Page 1- Narration from our protagonist ROBBY. We learn about his backstory in major beats, i.e; teenager from small town, not many friends, bit of a misfit, trouble at home, Seeks peace in Nature, encountered strange “shimmer in the air” [mysterious dimensional portal/rift in time&space] which leads him…

      Page 2- …Now he’s “Here”. Obviously somewhere very foreign, perhaps even alien planet or dimension. He is captive by malevolent creatures, surrounded by menacing architecture and strange foliage. Where is “Here”? He doesn’t even know. But Here, at least, he has some friends.

      Page 3- We see he has a tall, chalk-white, bug-eyed alien (SKIZAZZ) captive alongside him. They seem to know each other. We get a panel or two [visually cue to show an earlier point in time Here] “freeze frame” giving a quick profile of who SKIZAZZ is. Then, right on cue…

      Page 4- A large half-page+ splash of BI-DO MALFOFA, bestial warrior crashing into the scene, wreaking havoc on the malevolent creatures. ROBBY and SKIZAZZ are happy to see him!

      Page 5- Similar to page 3, cut to panel or two [visually cued to show an earlier point in time Here] “freeze frame” giving a quick profile of who BI-DO MALFOFA is. BI-DO MALFOFA frees ROBBY and SKIZAZZ. ROBBY grabs his backpack; is it intact?

      Page 6- We get a “Pulp Fiction”-esque mystery glow from the backpack; they have the item, time to escape! Fighting off malevolent creatures and running, funny banter.

      Page 7- A funny moment with ROBBY being carried by SKIZAZZ while BI-DO MALFOFA hacks away the pursuers. Some teamwork; we see this trio has spent at least some significant time together and they got into this mess together.

      Page 8- Safely escape. Bit of calm resolution. Cut back to ROBBY’s narration. See trio wandering off into the sunset on their next adventure. Callback from Page 1 of him once being a typical teen, who at first found himself lost, but now he is…ROBBY BEYOND!!!

      FIN…for now!

      ©2020 John Ashton Golden.

    • #525
      Bolu
      Participant

      Hello, all.
      Sorry for being late with all of this. I’ve been working on this in the shadows, using some characters I made in an old Inktober run. Wanted to tell something that had some cheesy sci-fi adventure, with a bit of that gross humor that appeals to young audiences.

      The Battle of the Belly of the Beast/Reflex
      Story: Space explorers Kip Kerstromm and Vanessa Variable are in the middle of a mission to save the prince of the Sofservian dynasty from the clutches of the evil Eradikor. When Kip’s original plan of escape turns complicated, he and Vanessa must find a new way of escape before the Eradikor bounty hunters capture them.
      Breakdown:
      Page 1: Our “Story recap” illustrating how Kip and Vanessa landed in their current situation. There obviously was not a previous adventure, but this should serve to create the feeling of tuning into a “pulp” adventure.
      • Previously on Kip Kerstromm, Man of Tomorrow’s Yesterday From the Future.
      • Kip and Vanessa were in a life and death struggle to save the prince of the Softservian Empire from the clutches of the Evil Eradikor.
      • Taking their chase to the skies, the dueling parties found themselves on the wrong side of a Grubnarian Muncher and were swallowed whole!
      • Now our heroes must fight to survive…
      • Title: The Battle of the the Belly of the Beast!
      Page 2: Kip explains his plan, to get the monster to vomit them out by striking a strange protrusion that he believes to be the monster’s uvula. Vanessa isn’t so certain.
      Page 3: Kip enacts his plan and it immediately fails. He’s struck an Ooblak, which serves a purpose completely alien to his understanding. The Eradikor are more confused as to why he thought that might work.
      Page 4: Vanessa leaps into action, battling the Eradikor while Kip flails about for a solution
      Page 5: Vanessa continues fighting while Kip shoots whatever he can in the background in order to see if he can trigger the reaction he wants. Eventually, he gives up and sits down, defeated.
      Page 6: The Sofservian Prince points out a protrusion that is actually the creature’s uvula, and Kip gives it a final zap.
      Page 7: As the Eradikor surround Vanessa, Kip comes running back, dragging his partner back to their ship. The Eradikor are once again, more confused than upset.
      Page 8: The creature starts to throw up, washing away the evil Eradikor and giving Kip and Vanessa the momentum they need in order to make their escape.

    • #526
      Samuel Barber
      Participant

      Red Angel Dragnet
      Plot/Page Breakdown: Chapter 4 – Where do we go from here?

      Page 1:
      Est Shot:It’s late evening at a tavern in a small town in Italy.
      The tavern is quiet with only a few of the locals inside relaxing and enjoying the peace. Primrose(a tall, fighter framed person with both soft and sharp features – sexually ambiguous – male or female) is keeping an eye on the surroundings and not being attentive to Alabaaster(a large framed man with ancient looks – Ethiopian) who is doing most of the talking. It’s obvious these two are comfortable here and have known each other for quite some time. Primrose knows Alabaaster always has an agenda and is suspicious of the meeting as Alabaaster remanences about their previous adventures.

      Page 2/Page 3:
      Alabaaster begins to hedge to why he has reunited with Primrose again when a group of 6 tough and hardened men and women come busting into the small tavern. Loud and intrusive, they come in not afraid of anyone and acting like they own the place. The group gets the attention of Primrose and Alabaaster. Just a few fleeting glances nothing that would need any action from our pair. As the group ramp up their good time, a young girl comes into the bar. The tavern owner obviously know the girl and gives her some food and water and tries to usher her out quickly when the “leader” of the group that came in takes an eye to the young girl (she is pretty, in her late teens early 20s, thin framed and looks as if she is poor-unkept clothes, little dirty).

      Page 4:
      The harassment of the young girl begins to escalate with the whole gang taking part in it. Primrose, who has been watching the events very carefully, looks over to see Alabaaster already in position for a fight. As the gang decides to take the girl from the bar, they turn to see Alabaaster blocking the side exit the tavern owner was trying to get the girl to go out of earlier. Then the group hears a door bolt shut and turn to see Primrose standing at the main entrance/exit and the fight begins.

      Page 5/Page 6/Page 7
      The gang are good fighters but not good enough to beat out Primrose and Alaabaster. When our heroes subdue the 5 gang members, they turn their attention to the leader, who has been watching the fight while restraining the girl. As Primrose and Alabaaster move in on the leader, he begins to shake and shutter violently. When the movement Is finished, Primrose and Alabaaster sees the leader in his true demonic form. The leader now releases the girl to fall on the floor and turns his back on our heroes to destroy the girl. As the leader moves in on her, the girl becomes more and more terrified and begins to scream. Only this scream escalates to almost a song and begins to tear apart the demon and continues to do so until the demon is completely destroyed. The girl faints from exhaustion.

      Page 8:
      Primrose looks at Alabaaster with a inquisitive look, Alabaaster looks back with a smirk. Primrose knows this is why Alabaaster wanted to meet in this tavern tonight. Without saying much Primrose walks over to the girl and picks her up. Alabaaster talks to the tavern owner in whispers and hands him some money for the damages and his silence. Primrose exits the tavern carrying the girl and places her in Alabaaster’s side car and hops on her bike. Alabaaster exits the tavern and gets on his bike. The two discuss the plan to take the girl to Primroses convent and discuss what to do next with the Mother Superior. Primrose puts on her habit and robe and they ride off for the next chapter.

    • #546
      Todd Matthy
      Participant

      @kylerose Hi Kyle, just read your plot and everything seems smooth. I guess to clarify what you asked me, have you thought about having “Future Abigail” tell “Past Abigail” that she needs to go back to the campsite and take responsibility for her actions rather than get in the time machine?

    • #551
      philipspace
      Participant

      The Anachronists:
      Trapped in Time

      Characters;

      Xandra – 20 year old woman from the 25th Century, a research assistant turned time-traveller. Smart, optimistic, but hates violence and carries no weapons.

      Mattias Smith – Male, mid 30’s. Cowboy/gunfighter from the 19th Century, of African descent, accidental time-travelling companion of Xandra. Tough, capable, but a little too ready to settle disputes with force.

      Michel – 16-year-old 12th Century French noble. Land holdings in England, understudy to Edmond the Black. Brave but inexperienced, he’s been training to become a knight when his guardsmen (led by Edmond) capture Xandra and Mattias.

      Edmond the Black – Male, late 30’s. English feudal lord. Ruthless and capable, he seeks to take possession of Michel’s land holdings for himself.

      Professor Winters – Male, early 50’s. 25th Century professor of applied temporal physics. Brilliant but quite mad. I haven’t nailed down his exact motivation yet, but Xandra’s trying to stop him whatever it is. He only shows up in one page in this story.

      Fred “Killer” Miller – Male, mid-30’s. A 19th century bandit/gunfighter who has become Professor Winters henchman. Shifty and untrustworthy, he also only shows up in about 2 panels with Prof. Winters.

      Plot breakdown;
      Page 1: Xandra and Mattias racing through a forest side-by-side, Mattias is carrying a repeater rifle. Xandra checks a device attached to her ear as she runs. They are being pursued by medieval guards and two men on horseback.

      Page 2: Xandra and Mattias come to a cliff. Mattias raises his rifle but Xandra stops him, “They might be someone’s ancestors!” Edmond the Black is one of the horsemen (the other is Michel). He informs them that they are trespassing and will be escorted back to their castle.

      Page 3: The guards walk Xandra and Mattias back at spearpoint. Michel asks Edmond if this is necessary, and Edmond, as mentor and caretaker of his lands assures him that he cannot afford to take any chances with security.
      Xandra and Mattias walk under the portcullis and wonder “Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.” Last panel– behind bars, “Maybe not”.

      Page 4: Castle, Great Hall. Edmond is being addressed by Prof. Winters about how to deal with the boy in exchange for his prisoners. The Professor hands him a repeater rifle, which Edmond receives with a smile. Evil laughing ensues. Listening in at the door however is young Michel.

      Page 5: Castle, dungeon. Mattias and Xandra discuss how they can escape. Mattias wanted to use his superior firepower, but Xandra argues that there must be a better way. A door creaks open, revealing Michel armed with a sword, who unlocks their cell.

      Page 6: No time to argue, they grab their gear and bolt down the hallway—and immediately run into guards. Running the other way, they dart into a side room. Mattias has guns at the ready but Michel waves him in.

      Page 7: Michel bars the door to the room. On the other side of the door Edmond orders that it be bashed in. Inside the room Michel drops to his knee and pledges to help Xandra and Mattias escape any way that he can.

      Page 8: “That door’s not going to hold!” shouts Mattias. Xandra points a remote-control type device and opens a time-portal. She steps through, with the two men backing toward it. Final panel the three of them looking confused, standing in a modern-day (circa 21st century) city with drawn sword, repeater, and Time-wand at the ready.

      Maybe surrounded by police, I haven’t decided yet.

    • #556
      Leon Skograv
      Participant

      Working title. Street ball
      comic book layout

      Page 1
      Kevin (12 year old) gets off the train, to be picked up at the station by his aunt, uncle and Cousin (tall, wide built boy, 13), who he is to spend summer with while his mother is working.

      Page 2
      Kevin gets a rolled out mattress in his cousins room, he notices all the basketball posters and memorabilia in the room. They relate over the common interest. Cousin say they should make up a street ball team with a friend of his to compete in an upcoming tournament.

      Page 3
      Kevin and cousin heads out, and meets up with Friend (13, small skinny kid.)
      They arrive at a ballpark, filled with players on all the courts, so they sit on a bench on the sideline watching.

      Page 4
      A basket opens up and and the trio gets ready to play. A group of older teenagers cuts in and claims the basket. They say they have waited for it, that its their turn, then the older teens challenge them to play for it. First to reach 11.
      Friend wants to just go home, cousin accepts the challenge.

      Page 5
      Our trio starts out pretty well, hitting a couple of shots. The teens starts playing rough, throwing elbows and such.
      Our team starts blaming each other.

      Page 6
      The teens make the final shot by using a dirty trick. Wins the game, claims the basket for themselves.
      Cousin is pissed and wants to fight them, Kevin holds him back, and Friend just wants to go home and play video games instead.
      The trio leaves.

      Page 7
      Walking home they come upon the hidden back alley court. They dribble up to it, only to be interrupted by a grumpy old man yelling out his apartment window.

      Page 8
      Grumpy old man turns out to be an old coach, and gives them some tips.
      The kids fix up the broken basket, hangs up a trash can or fruit basket or car tire. And starts practicing.

    • #562
      philipspace
      Participant

      @thesurrealari

      Feedback questions:

      –Right now, the story covers approximately 24 hours of Mr. Stupendous’ life, but the action takes place over two day, from evening to evening: I am thinking of starting it with the action on P2, morning, or even just with him coming through the window to find his wife sleeping. this would open up some space later on for other things as well as keep the action confined to a single day. OTOH: I like establishing that he’s a superhero at the beginning, and the continuity of how he got his black eye, why he is so tired at work, etc is important and I think that the first page serves a purpose in the story, plus I really like the page turn between the last panel on the first page and the first panel on the second page. Thoughts?<

      If you were to open with Mr. Stupendous entering the house on page 1 to find his wife sleeping, sans fight scene, it would free up some space for other events later in the story. A superhero sneaking into his house with bumps and bruises while trying not to disturb his sleeping wife has enough inherent context that additional explanation isn’t needed. The cause of his bruises are visually implied, and you still have plenty of action later on without having to compress so much of it. This still permits the panel-to-panel page turn from 1 to 2. He’s a superhero, his wife’s asleep, keep it simple.

      –There are two other areas I’m considering replacing: The first is the battle on P6. The phone booth page stands on its own. What do you think of the superhero battle? I can cut that and do a different gag there. This would be instead of cutting p1, as I think it’s important to have some superhero action in this story. The other possibility is to compress the action on the last two pages. Once he gets the wine, the other “globetrotting” stops might be redundant, although they do have some comedic potential. The action on P7-8 could be compressed into one page, leaving room for both the superhero battle and another gag.<

      Speaking as an artist, I would not recommend loading a battle scene with too many extra characters. Page space is your real limitation here. I’d say maybe four characters at most for this scene. From a visual standpoint your artist will need to have the camera panned back far enough that the reader can see everybody for at least the establishing shot, plus leave room for dialogue, and be readable and visually interesting. All on one page, with a resolution.
      My suggestion would be single monster/villain, maybe 3 other heroes plus Mr. Stupendous. The more panels you have to squeeze onto a page, the less visually impressive it becomes. If you had a few extra pages to work with, that would be different. Keep it simple.

      –Here are some things I’m considering adding: 1. More at the office, where the action might be better over more panels; 2: Add a scene during the work day where he hears a call for help, flies out the window to address it, and then returns through the window to his office (before falling asleep at his desk). 3. I would like to add something more with technology, as that seem to resonate with people here. This is a tough one, but here are some possibilities: He could see a picture of himself going into/coming out of the port-a-potty and then see it later on either his computer or the news, but I feel that this aspect may require a whole story to itself, and that there wouldn’t be room for all the needed character and situation development in the first episode. I am leaning toward making this the focus of the (potential) second story/installment, where it would get the space to fully flesh it out and give it the space it deserves. It also would have a natural connection to this story, which would link the two episodes, if the inciting incident in story two was cell phone or security footage from this story.<

      For the office you could have a 3-panel sequence where he (1) flies out the window, (2) stops a mugger (3) shoots back into his chair fixing his tie, with his clothes slightly disheveled without having to squeeze too much out. I’m assuming this is what you mean?

      I would suggest leaving the the “protecting his secret-identity” subplot to a later story. Maybe he’s got it covered, maybe he doesn’t (which is probably more fun from a writing standpoint). Keep it simple.

    • #567
      Todd Matthy
      Participant

      @davidshear Just read your outline and enjoyed it. I actually think you can combine the first page with the second page. They both appear to convey the same information.

      @phillipspace This is a solid outline. I understand the characters, motivations, plot, and twists. I like how you quickly took using future technology off the table, it really spices up the story. The only thing I would do is clarify the ending. It reads like a cliffhanger. Maybe have a line about “charging up the portal” to put a cap on it.

    • #568
      RickestRick
      Participant

      Story Title: Save State
      Plot

      Page 1 – The reader is introduced to Sy Sack. He is doing something the reader would not, such as scaling a mountain in a mech-suit or avoiding off brand sprite-enemies. Exposition and dialogue is provided primarily through caption boxes such as what would be seen in a video game. Sy is presented as oblivious to the changeover.

      Page 2 – A glitch occurs. Sy is shown in an outrageous video game inspired scenario when suddenly everything in the world is wrong. Imagine an 8-bit game not fully loading, many un-fully-rendered objects and other characters. This is not an intentional act by the player.

      Page 3 – Sy acknowledges that that was weird though he is not sure what it was. This is the first time he has ever acknowledged any type of change. Shown to be in a different setting, one that is more mundane. Realizes he is not sure what exactly he is remembering.

      Page 4 – He is shown to be with a significant other (gender and details not important at this point, will be based on input from the artist). Sy explicitly states how happy he is and incredibly sappy scenes will be shown to drive home that this, and not all the crazy excitement, is what he really wants out of life, to the extent that he is aware of anything.

      Page 5 – The two embrace for part of the page. The remainder of page is Sy being loaded into a new scenario. Repelling down the side of a clearly broken-out-of kaiju-scale cage or wingsuiting into a stereotypical orc camp. The difference is that, as with the glitch scene, he now remembers what he just lost, namely the love of his life.

      Page 6 – Sy is distracted by this realization and killed in-game. He realizes he has no control over anything and that he cannot get what he lost back, so he willingly commits suicide. He makes a remark to “whoever is in charge” that if he cannot be happy then no one will.

      Page 7 – Montage of Sy dying in the most ridiculous ways. Not all shown, some should be presented as if the player rage-quitted halfway through the level because they realize the game has not worked correctly since the glitch shown earlier in the story.

      Page 8 – Sy is facing down another death, certain that this will be his final one. He realizes, too late to do anything about it, that this is the same setting of the one he had with the person he loved. The penultimate panel is seeing them once again, but unable to do anything about it as he falls to his doom. The final panel is a screen going dark.

    • #570
      A. A. Rubin
      Moderator

      @philipspace Thank you for the feedback. I think I am going to try a draft starting with him at the window.

      I think you misunderstand my intentions with the fight scene. The idea is not to compress that fight. If I do anything to it, I’m deleting it and replacing it with something else. Right now, I think p1 is a better place to cut, and that compressing the action on p7-8 into one page.

    • #571
      Jarrod Elvin
      Participant

      Hi everyone! Here is my plot page breakdown. I just really put page numbers on my springboard, for which I did receive feedback from 3 credible authorities. It doesn’t seem like we are at the point where we are writing actual dialogue or narrative copy yet, so I hope this is satisfactory.
      MickMacks’ Meatbucket MegaBabes
      Fidget, Chemi, Dot, Fem Fatale, Vanessa, Daemiana and Scythe vs cosmic horror monsters.
      Springboard: ‘The Virus Dimension’
      [ACT 1]
      Page 1:
      The ‘Meatbucket MegaBabes’ are a group of female cartoon pinup models/interdimensional mercaneries/saleswomen. Travelling through different galaxies and dimensions in their giant spaceship, they are collecting information on the latest issue dominating galactic news;
      Page 2:
      A virus has taken over the galaxy, planet by planet. It causes it’s sufferers to mutate and meld together into grotesque Lovecraftian entities.
      Interplanetary travel has been outlawed to prevent the spread of this contagion, which its origins are unknown. Everyone is forced, by law, to stay in their homes. The MegaBabes’ AI intelligence suggests that the virus is of interdimensional origin.
      [ACT 2]
      Page 3:
      In their interdimensional spaceship, the MegaBabes travel to the dimension, between spaces of reality, where they believe the virus was spawned.
      Page 4:
      Marvelling at the grotesque beauty of the Virus Dimension, Fidget picks a pretty flower that she has never seen before. Just by being in the Virus Dimension, they each begin to show the effects of the virus, and start to mutate.
      [ACT 3]
      Page 5:
      Ultimately, they find the source of the virus before it is too late, onto which they unleash heavy firepower.
      Page 6:
      They discover that they can’t vanquish the source of the virus, but they can stop it from leaking out of its own dimension and into ours.
      Page 7:
      They seal the interdimensional gap and escape from the Virus Dimension.
      Once out of the Virus Dimension, the MegaBabes begin to change back into their original forms. The AI intelligence reports that everyone who was affect by the virus is now clear as well.
      [EPILOGUE]
      Page 8:
      In the safety of their spaceship, Fidget emerges with a bulbous head, evidently the effects of a new virus brought on by the flower she picked and brought back. The rest of the MegaBabes shout at her in anger as their own heads swell up.

    • #573
      philipspace
      Participant

      @thesurrealari

      I think p1 is a better place to cut, and that compressing the action on p7-8 into one page.<

      Agreed.
      You might find it helpful to take a sheet of paper and breakdown the events with simple stick-figures, too. Nothing elaborate, just enough to give your artist a sense of pacing. I find this really helpful when I’m scripting.


      @toddmatthy

      The only thing I would do is clarify the ending. It reads like a cliffhanger. Maybe have a line about “charging up the portal” to put a cap on it.<

      I think the line I’d like to use will be “This portal should take us just outside the castle…”
      I think I’d like to establish that she’s not completely in control of the tech she’s using. I do want a cliffhanger in case I decide to continue this story.

      • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by philipspace.
    • #579
      RickestRick
      Participant

      @toddmatthy Main feel of the story seems to come from a place of retaining the honor and integrity of the squared circle. This isn’t just a wrestling story, it’s a story about why people like and enjoy wrestling. Do you view this is a generational story? Crusher (Hogan?) has a school so I presume he’s older. Is this just a kid not having any respect for what came before?

      • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by RickestRick.
    • #583
      Todd Matthy
      Participant

      @rickestrick Hey Rick, I like this outline. Everything seems to be nicely paced and you keep things at one beat per page. The only thing I would change is I’d delete page 3 and move page 4 into its space. Sy can acknowledge things are weird when he’s with his companion then go into the “sappy” scenes. I would use the extra page space to expand the final scene and really drive home the gut punch. Let the final moment with the person he loves simmer.

      As for my story, yes it is a story of clash of generations. Wrestlers from the 80s broke in during a much different business then today.

    • #587
      Todd Matthy
      Participant

      Here’s a Page by Page Breakdown for another of my stories.

      Hole in the Sky Plot

      By Todd Matthy

      PAGE ONE

      It’s morning on Asteroid X-616, floating around Venus. Kirby, the asteroid’s sole resident, is at his easel drawing. Another asteroid passes by where its sole resident, Rose, is tending her rose garden. A warp hole appears.

      PAGE TWO

      Kirby wonders what’s on the other side of the hole. Rose sarcastically says he should try to find out. Kirby says he’s going to find out. Kirby goes inside to work on a way to reach the hole.

      PAGE THREE

      The next day. Kirby comes out with a cosmic fishing rod. He tries to hook a meteorite near the hole. It fails. Rose giggles. Kirby goes back into his house.

      PAGE FOUR

      The next day, Kirby comes out of his house with a cosmic harpoon. His asteroid comes close to another stray meteor. He throws the harpoon at it. He hits it but the harpoon doesn’t pull him along. Kirby is dejected. Rose’s meteor starts moving farther away.

      PAGE FIVE
      Rose tells Kirby there was no way his contraptions would work. He’s not attached to them. He gets an idea.

      PAGE SIX
      The next day. Kirby shows Rose a cosmic grappling hook. He notices her meteor is farther away from him than usual. Suddenly Rose’s asteroid is being sucked into the hole.

      PAGE SEVEN
      Kirby fires the cosmic grappling hook onto Rose’s meteor and brings her to his. He also saves her roses so she can plant them. He goes back to Rose’s meteor. She cries out to him

      PAGE EIGHT
      Kirby waves goodbye to Rose as he and her meteor are sucked into the hole. Rose wonders what will happen to Kirby and if she’ll ever see him again. Kirby flies through the hole on Rose’s asteroid. Have him look like the Silver Surfer or any Jack Kirby hero for this final panel.

    • #600
      Kris Burgos
      Participant

      Hey everyone, this is an exercise I learned for writing screeplays in college that I feel works with the page plotting format @buddyscalera is having us do. If this helps in your process, feel free to use it. I know many writers go over pages of a script with their artists and work out how characters are feeling during the pages to give the artists a better sense of how to illustrate them. What I do is a full breaking down every character’s state of mind per page/scene. It’s a handy tool if given to artists and also, as a writer, you can start to see if there’s actually any character growth/change over the course of the story.

      Basically, we have the breakdown of each page written, and then I go through each and make a translation of what’s each character’s motivation is on a per/panel or per/page basis. It helps the artist know exactly how the character “looks” while they are drawing them and it helps the writer with writing characters’ thoughts (if they do them in thought bubbles or captions).

      After writing mine up for “No Shelter”, it would actually be pretty hilarious if I used this for dialogue instead of what I’m planning because it would make for a completely different comic. Remember, this is not the script and goes hand-in-hand with the plot page breakdown.

      No Shelter Character State Page Breakdown

      Gunnar: Viking Warrior
      Kaia: 8-yr old girl
      Monster 1
      Monster 2

      Page 1
      – Gunnar: Hide! Stay safe! What’s going on??? Questioning my value/man’s value; Questioning the world/my sanity? I’m not ready to die! Ooh I wonder who that is?

      Page 2
      – Gunnar: Stay hidden! Don’t be seen! Who can it be? What am I going to do for somebody else? What can they do for me?

      Page 3
      – Gunnar: Fuck! It’s a kid. She’s a burden. She’ll get me killed. The 40 grown-ass men I was with were wiped out, what’s this kid going to do for me? The only way out is a suicide run and I have no weapon to boot!
      – Kaia: Who’s that!? Is he alone? Can he get me out of here? Is he a hero? Or a zero?

      Page 4
      – Kaia: Don’t leave me behind! Take me with you! I can get you a weapon! I can help you to get me out of here!
      – Gunnar: Weapons?! I’ll need those to have a chance crossing the open space. You know where to find them?! Damn, I guess I’ll have to keep you alive for a bit

      Page 5
      – Gunnar: Careful girl! Stay in the shadows! Watch out! You’re gonna get us killed!
      – Kaia: Don’t go that way! It’s this way!
      – Monster 1: Hmmm… what’s that?!

      Page 6
      – Gunnar: YAAASSSS! A new shield and axe! Fuck yeah. Now we stand a chance of escape. I guess this girl is alright. Hush! I hear something… if shit goes down… you run, I’ll hold them off.
      – Kaia: Thanks for saving my ass out there. See, I am helpful. AHHH! Another monster!
      – Monster 1: I smell something over here… ugh! (loses head)
      – Monster 2: Dinner!!!!

      Page 7
      – Gunnar: Oh shit. Run Girl! Oh shit. Wait! Oh shit. Fuck! Don’t bite my face off. Don’t eat me. YAAASSS, little girl comes through with a second assist! Fuck you in the head, Monster!
      – Kaia: HERE! My SWORD! Get up, we need to get out before more hear us and come.
      – Monster 2: Winner WINNER, Chicken DINNER! And the little girl will be dessert… ugh! (knife in head)

      Page 8
      – Kaia: I guess they heard us! My SWORD!! Let’s go mother-fuckers! Oh shit. Those are pretty lights. What? We’re fucked? I’ve got your back if you’ve got mine!
      – Gunnar: We’re surrounded. Damn. At least they’ll all die with me. Let’s see how many me and this little badass can kill before we’re all toast. Chins out bitches, we’re going to Valhalla!

    • #601

      Hi everyone, I had one idea. This is the plot break down.

      The Idiot Stoner vs Mad Scientists

      Normal X A Scientific Accelerator

      On National City University there are 23 campuses of science that are self policed by the morals and ethics club. Gary Dunn is the newest M&E Rep against his will and has to outsmart criminal geniuses.

      Page one is the crime being committed: a robot dog breaks into a lab, destroys a cloning experiment, and self destructs outside in the middle of campus.

      Page 2 is the introduction of Gary Dunn: 6th year senior twenty credits away from two degrees in Liberal Arts and Philosophy and Botany who is in a basement broom closet turned into a dorm room using a bucket, a bottle of water, tubes and makeshift bong as a gravity bong to smoke weed.

      Page 3 is Gary getting the call that he has to investigate the dog eating the homework case. Gary tries to fake sick, really coughs, but is threatened to do his job or else.

      Page 4 is Gary looking at the remains of the robot dog. Talking to his partner, Ting (Asian American student on morals and ethics committee) explains that there’s no way to trace the robot dog, there’s no reported robot dogs missing, the work that was destroyed was an experiment to see if parallel clones yielded parallel results on a cellular level.

      Page 5 is Gary and Ting interviewing the kids whose lab was destroyed. Gary is high and smells like weed and it distracts the kids and annoys Ting. Gary asks them to explain their work like he was a five year old. The head scientist, who is pretty calm about having his work destroyed, explains that they were trying to figure out if clones react the same way to things. Gary doesn’t understand. He changes the question to how serious the project is.

      Page 6 is Ting asking questions while Gary is zoning out. There’s all these things swirling around his head and Gary realizes something: The cloners destroyed their own work. But Gary instantly forgets what makes him realize this. Gary looks around for a way to prove this. So he starts lying.

      Page 7 is Gary lying that there’s a lab they can send the dog to for evidence. The scientist students all look at each other. Ting keeps quiet but looks at Gary. Gary says the experiment can be saved too. The University has an incredible investigation department, “hell, bored scientists love a challenge”. Gary pulls his phone out and leaves it on the chair when Ting asks him to come with her outside.

      Page 8

      Outside Ting reads Gary the riot act. Gary tells her he knows they destroyed their work but can’t remember how he realized it. She asks how much weed did he smoke? They go back into the room and Ting ends the meeting. Gary plays the audio of the students while they were out and they talked about building the robot. Gary, triumphant, asks the scientist students if they’d like to explain why they destroyed their own experiment.

    • #616
      Joel Barker
      Moderator

      UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE (working title)

      PITCH:
      Mark and Stephen have yet to meet each other. Even at the same party they won’t cross paths until the morning. When they do, will they accept that they’re stuck with one another?

      PLOT:
      1. Mark and Stephen come-to in a strange, obviously-there-was-a-party-last-night apartment. After checking all of the doors and windows it’s clear they’re locked in. Both get a notification on their phones about COVID-19.
      2. FLASHBACK – Same apartment, during the party where everyone’s joking about a possible “lockdown.” Mark is loud and obnoxious joking along. Stephen is not.
      3. Stephen lurks until one of the hosts (a Koala bear) checks on him. The Koala cuts a slice of pizza and offers it to Stephen and immediately connects via exploring the speculated consequences of this possible “lockdown.”
      4. PRESENT – Mark looks up from his phone to break the silence with an “at least” joke about the social distancing advisory. Stephen asks Mark if he’s a friend of the hosts.
      5. Mark says he’s not as he looks for food continuing to yap. Stephen grills Mark on how they’re going to get a hold of the hosts so that they can leave. Mark complains there’s a lack of food. Stephen gets sucked into “fake” news.
      6. Stephen gets between the kitchen and Mark after misinterpreting procedures for the “lockdown.” Mark is startled and comments, “It’s not like we can’t get more food!”
      7. Stephen’s panicked eyes say otherwise. Mark babbles “can’t be that bad” in spite of Stephen’s panic, trying to get to the kitchen for a drink of water. Stephen lunges for a not-put-away pizza cutter and threatens Mark with it.
      8. 16-odd hours later the apartment looks post-apocalyptic, far beyond trashed-after-a-party. The hosts, Polar and Koala return in complete WTF. Mark rushes the door, “I wanna die, but not by that lunatic!” Stephen pops up still holding the pizza cutter and calmly hands it to the Koala before quietly exiting.

      P.S. @toddmatthy I wanna be sure to follow up with your input (especially since I took it into account), and @johnnygoldenart let me know how I can help with feedback — Kirby-speed, y’all!

    • #626
      K S
      Participant

      @thesurrealari

      Feedback questions:
      –Right now, the story covers approximately 24 hours of Mr. Stupendous’ life, but the action takes place over two day, from evening to evening: I am thinking of starting it with the action on P2, morning, or even just with him coming through the window to find his wife sleeping. this would open up some space later on for other things as well as keep the action confined to a single day. OTOH: I like establishing that he’s a superhero at the beginning, and the continuity of how he got his black eye, why he is so tired at work, etc is important and I think that the first page serves a purpose in the story, plus I really like the page turn between the last panel on the first page and the first panel on the second page. Thoughts?

      –There are two other areas I’m considering replacing: The first is the battle on P6. The phone booth page stands on its own. What do you think of the superhero battle? I can cut that and do a different gag there. This would be instead of cutting p1, as I think it’s important to have some superhero action in this story. The other possibility is to compress the action on the last two pages. Once he gets the wine, the other “globetrotting” stops might be redundant, although they do have some comedic potential. The action on P7-8 could be compressed into one page, leaving room for both the superhero battle and another gag.

      I particularly enjoyed reading your 8 page break down, and felt the oscillations from seeing him in action through the mundane stuff, through more action, through a positive resolution in mundane stuff was very satisfying … by not being perfectly symmetrical it increases … I dunno how to say it … the ‘organic’ feel of the arc (or something like that).

      If you were to compress, I think the scenes where he gathers the materials for the romantic dinner could be abbreviated as you suggest. Seeing the first pick up of the wine in France and then a fully stocked table (maybe with labels indicating source of the good) would do the trick.

      • This reply was modified 5 months ago by K S.
    • #632
      A. A. Rubin
      Moderator

      @evolver Thank you for the feedback and the kind words.

    • #657
      Matthew Timpanelli
      Participant

      oops i see there is a thread for step 3 now…

      • This reply was modified 5 months ago by Matthew Timpanelli. Reason: moved msg to step 3 post
    • #667
      BuddyScalera
      Keymaster

      Aw heck. I really fell behind on this post. Got some catching up to do.

      In the meantime:
      How to Plot Your 8-Page Comic Story Idea | #8PgChallenge – Step 2

      How to Plot Your 8-Page Comic Story Idea | #8PgChallenge – Step 2

    • #669
      Rakeem Nelson
      Participant

      @Joel Barker I love the comedy woven towards the end of your script, but I’m not sold on Stephen’s turn to lunacy just yet. Him going from looking at his phone seeing fake news to attacking Mark feels sharp. I feel like you can have Stephan become a little stranger earlier.

      @Double Barrel Theatre You do a wonderful job of giving your main character an out for the case Mainly because simple solutions always trip up complicated people. There’s also a lot of information that you include in your plot summary, like the kind of establishment they’re at, that kind of weights down the story. Will you be giving this background information through caption narrations with an unnamed narrator or will Gary be the narrator for this story?

    • #730
      Todd Matthy
      Participant

      @jarrodelvin I like this story. Especially the fun twist at the end. The only change I’d make is let us know the source of the virus (if you know) and how your characters overcome the problem.

    • #731
      Jarrod Elvin
      Participant

      @Todd Matthy Thanks! I’m glad you like it! And thanks for reading it and for your feedback!
      Yes, that is a good point. I got caught up writing a full script with dialogue that explains a lot of the details. However, for the Revised Plot step I just included the panel descriptions. I tried to amend them so they would make sense without the dialogue, but I guess I didn’t do that well enough.
      Anyway, the source of the virus is the Virus God and the Virus Dimension itself. The Virus God goes on to explain how they are one and the same singular entity that exist as a quantum singularity outside of time, space and reality. (Part of the universal source code, if you will)
      My characters overcome the virus by stopping it leaking out of the Virus Dimension, by blocking the dimensional rift with their biohazard suits.

    • #794
      Zach
      Participant

      Hi all. The 8 page breakdown I was thinking for the Bron-the-Lucky script.

      Page 1 – Establishing shot of approaching the cursed monastery by ship. Use captions to explain set up.
      Page 2 – Introduce Bron and Mad Baron characters, as well as Bron’s Chance Pendant
      Page 3 – Enter the Monastery, meet the Monks, they question the Baron appearing alone
      Page 4 – Baron explains gambit, the Monks assent, Bron is accepted as a sacrifice instead
      Page 5 – Bron, lead to the altar, trips over a catch in the carpet and knocks a candelabra over. carpet and curtains catch fire.
      Page 6 – The Cursed Monks turn into Monsters and attack The Baron and Bron. Bron resists, and the Mad Baron flee
      Page 7 – The Mad Baron attempt to escape. Bron and the Baron struggle Bron knocks the Baron back, burning rafters collapse on the Baron killing him.
      Page 8 – Bron scrambles back to the ship and sets off, the glowing embers of the burning monastery in the background.

    • #907
      Kris Burgos
      Participant

      Trying to catch up in a hurry here… plot breakdown for Teddies, which I retitled to Horrorbook: A Teddy Adventure a while back…

      Page 1 – Mikey feeds Eric berries and berates the boy for following him into a world of nightmares. ”I’m not a guardian, I’m not going to watch over you”

      Page 2 – Chucklez watches from the bushes, Mikey storms off, Eric is left alone and cries

      Page 3 – Chucklez approaches Eric, Eric tells his story about no one loving him, being stuck with his 3rd foster family and now even a stupid doll doesn’t even want him, Chucklez consoles him while holding a meat cleaver behind his back, “I’ll be your friend”

      Page 4 – Mikey, talking to himself and reliving the disappointment of the community, thinks about how Alexander (his idol and father figure) would feel with the way he treated Eric, feeling ashamed at his temper, he turns around to find the boy is gone, but then hears the boy scream

      Page 5 – Following the scream, Mikey is led to a nightmare amusement park. He sees Eric tied up to a bullseye board next to spinning teacups and Chucklez is in the teacups throwing knives at the boy while blindfolded while explaining the horrors he (saw soldiers) endured in the Vietnam War

      Page 6 – Killer clowns with razor teeth attack Mikey, wielding acid spitting water guns, the type for those games at an amusement park, Mikey runs for cover completely frightened “why is this happening to me? I gave this all up”

      Page 7 – Thinking about what Alexander would do, Mikey builds the courage to fight and grabs a strength test mallet and beats up on the clowns, and then runs up on Chucklez, dodging a flurry of knives and cleavers being thrown at him and kills the power to the teacups

      Page 8 – Mikey knocks out Chucklez with the mallet and rescues Eric, apologizes to him for his attitude and when Eric apologizes for putting himself in danger, Mikey accepts to watch his back while they’re in Nightmare “but it don’t mean I’m your guardian”

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