Reply To: #8PgChallenge – STEP 5 – Scripting

#875
Kyle Rose
Participant

Hey Everyone,

Here is the first draft of my full script. One note on how I work when I’m writing and drawing: I tend to change things up through the thumbnail process as an act of discovery. So it’s never too late for feedback. Speaking of, I have a few specific questions listed below, but I am looking for any and all feedback. I have attached a pdf of the script but also have provided a google drive link with commenting permissions. If you could I would prefer that you make comments directly in the google doc:
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1X9U-XqOHA6ZfJ5fpE7qVwPBJJwNrpu5lYilHAnQtT0g

Here are my questions:
— Is the last bit of dialogue on page one (panel 5 & 6) too on the nose?
— Did I go a little too hard on the speculative future slang? (preeb, dusties, fidget, etc)
— Should I add one more action beat to page 4 and merge the last panel on that page with the first panel on page 5?
— Page 5, panel 4: is the dialogue too on the nose?
— Page 6, should panel 5 be its own close-up or just be integrated into the background of panel 4. Also, does this bit feel too deus ex machina?
— Should I move the first panel on page 8 to be the last thing on page 7 and leave page 8 solely for an ‘epilogue’ or should I leave the reveal until the last page?
— Does Abigail’s language sound like a crass teen girl or does it sound more like a cynical 30 plus-year-old man? lol.

Thanks, everyone. I look forward to reading your scripts and can’t wait to hear what you have to say about mine!

—Kyle

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