Reply To: #8PgChallenge – STEP 2 – Feedback + Plotting

#515
A. A. Rubin
Moderator

Here is my plot. I have revised it twice based off feedback I received from some of my normal feedback partners.

There are still a few things I’m working through (there’s another plot revision next week, and then the script, so plenty of time).

I have posted some specific questions/issues on which I’d like feedback after the plot itself. This is the feedback that would be most helpful to me at this point in my process. It will also give you some insight into what I’m thinking Please read them and let me know what you think:

Title: A Day In The Life Of Mr. Stupendous

Setting: A city, possibly NYC.

P1—Night—MR STUPENDOUS stands on a rooftop, in costume on his cell phone. He is telling someone he will be late.
–Fight scene in which Mr. Stupendous is hit in the eye, but, ultimately, prevails.
–Mr. Stupendous arrives home (through his window), to find his wife asleep. The clock reads “3:00AM”—Stupendous.
P2—Same bed, same clock the alarm goes off at 6am, the first panel mirrors the last on the previous page. STUPENDOUS reaching to hit the snooze as his WIFE remains asleep.
–Stupendous’ in his bathroom applying his wife’s makeup to cover a black eye. S/he’s running out of concealer.
–Stupendous, in his secret identity/business attire says goodbye to his wife before going to work. As he walks down the hall, he hears her (using his super-hearing) whisper that she hope he isn’t cheating on her.
P3—The morning commute: STUPENDOUS rushes to the subway, misses his train—“stupendous”
–Stupendous changes into his costume and tries to fly to work, quickly, so as not to be late.
–As he flies through the air, carrying his briefcase.
–The sky darkens
–It rains.
–Closeup–Stupendous
P4—STUPENDOUS sneaks into the office—his makeup has washed off; he looks like shit.
–Boss tells Mr Stupendous he better have a report done by the end of the day.
–Stupendous falls asleep at his desk (possible repeating panels where just the time on the clock changes)
–Wakes up, it’s 4:30 (stupendous) Has to rush, using his superspeed to finish it by 5.

P5—5:10 PM—outside the office—A distant cry for help—This looks like a job for…MR STUPENDOUS!
–As long as he can find a phone booth to change—Oh no!, no phonebooths.
–A series of attempts to change in various weird locations, and can’t for various reasons (a line at the restroom; a video surveillance camera in a back alley, etc)
–He has to change in a port-a-potty—“Stupendous.”

P6—Arriving late, because of the action on the previous page—STUPENDOUS joins a battle. Other SUPERHEROES are battling a tram of SUPEVILIANS, including the monster from P1.
–Stupendous’ arrival turns the tide. He is in his element.
–The heroes are victorious.
–The other heroes ask Stupendous out for a drink to celebrate, but he refuses. He has to get home to his wife.
–Stupendous flies off, as the other heroes make a snarky remarks as he flies away.
P7—STUPENDOUS breaks the sound barrier, flies across the ocean to France.
–Buys wine from a vinter in the French countryside
–A few more globetrotting stops to get other foodstuff’s etc.
–On cell phone to wife: meet on the roof in 30 minutes.
P8—WIFE’s’s perspective, climbing stairs to the roof.
–Opens door, to city roof
–Surprise on her face…
–As she sees, beautiful, romantic dinner he husband has set up.
–The couple sit’s down to eat, clinks glasses (with the French wine)
–Stupendous asks her what she thinks; she answers, “Stupendous.”

Feedback questions:
–Right now, the story covers approximately 24 hours of Mr. Stupendous’ life, but the action takes place over two day, from evening to evening: I am thinking of starting it with the action on P2, morning, or even just with him coming through the window to find his wife sleeping. this would open up some space later on for other things as well as keep the action confined to a single day. OTOH: I like establishing that he’s a superhero at the beginning, and the continuity of how he got his black eye, why he is so tired at work, etc is important and I think that the first page serves a purpose in the story, plus I really like the page turn between the last panel on the first page and the first panel on the second page. Thoughts?

–There are two other areas I’m considering replacing: The first is the battle on P6. The phone booth page stands on its own. What do you think of the superhero battle? I can cut that and do a different gag there. This would be instead of cutting p1, as I think it’s important to have some superhero action in this story. The other possibility is to compress the action on the last two pages. Once he gets the wine, the other “globetrotting” stops might be redundant, although they do have some comedic potential. The action on P7-8 could be compressed into one page, leaving room for both the superhero battle and another gag.

–Here are some things I’m considering adding: 1. More at the office, where the action might be better over more panels; 2: Add a scene during the work day where he hears a call for help, flies out the window to address it, and then returns through the window to his office (before falling asleep at his desk). 3. I would like to add something more with technology, as that seem to resonate with people here. This is a tough one, but here are some possibilities: He could see a picture of himself going into/coming out of the port-a-potty and then see it later on either his computer or the news, but I feel that this aspect may require a whole story to itself, and that there wouldn’t be room for all the needed character and situation development in the first episode. I am leaning toward making this the focus of the (potential) second story/installment, where it would get the space to fully flesh it out and give it the space it deserves. It also would have a natural connection to this story, which would link the two episodes, if the inciting incident in story two was cell phone or security footage from this story.

–Of course, I could leave it as is as well. These are possibilities I’m thinking about. Let me know what you think.

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